130 Comments

1. 

   Jenny Tompkins on March 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

   As a former post-partum depression sufferer who has somehow miraculously gotten pregnant again, I thank you for this post. I’m so excited to have the opportunity to carry another baby, but absolutely terrified to my core of what is almost inevitably to come. The horror of depresion is it’s utter lack of hope. I believe that I have experienced Hell on earth. I can imagine no greater pain, fear, or terror. As someone who believes that God is my strength, comfort, provider, and healer, I do question and wonder why I was allowed to experience something so devastating. I can see in retrospect that I was never alone through my depression, however silent I felt God was at the time. I’m grateful to have hope now. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful that I have been able to get to this side of suffering so that I can appreciate life and my family and my God so much more. If only for that, I would go through it all again, but in trembling fear, I ask that I not ever have to. It is good to know I’m not alone. I do not wish chronic depression on anyone, but there is comfort in the thought that someone out there can understand. Thank you.

2. 

   Andrea on March 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

   THANK YOU. My life was completely destroyed by inability to discuss my depression. As soon as I started talking, I was able to wade through it and come out the other end of the tunnel my REAL self – happy, bubbly, loving.
   I had been married for 4 years when we got pregnant. To say we were SO excited does not even begin to describe it. A few weeks later though I lost the baby. I was absolutely devastated. I had never felt so out of control in my life, There was nothing I could have done, but I beat myself up everyday, replaying things I had done that might have cost my child his/her life. I was afriad if I let myself keep crying, I wouldn’t stop. This had been the death of not just a child, but of all the dreams and possibilities that was that child. I gave myself 24 hours, then made myself stop crying. My husband did not want to talk about it because it was just too much for him also. So I shut down. A year later, almost to the day I lost my baby, I found I was pregant again. My pregnancy was a nightmare, simply due to my un-diagnosed depression. What I thought was morning sickness was actually a severe case of anxiety. I lost 26 Lbs. in the first 3 months of my pregnancy. I was scared. ALL THE TIME. Everytime I walked into the drs office, I thought for sure there would be no heartbeat. I never told anyone that though. My husband never asked, and I didn;t think I could share. I was not able to relax until my 33 weeks appt, when they told me that if I went into labor, the baby would survive. After I had my beautiful bundle, life was good for a while. But Still had not addressed the loss of my first baby, and that came back to haunt me. I distanced myself from friends and family, even my husband. My whole life was consumed with fear of losing my new daughter. No one understood, so I retreated more. I snapped easily, never cried, got almost violently angry over silly things cause I had SO MUCH pent up in me.
   My husband eventually left and looked for love with other women. At this point, my depression was finally brought to light. I sought counseling and really dug in to get the help I needed. I started talking about what I had been holding in. The key word was I began TALKING.
   I am happy to write the life is wonderful now. I have a new apreciation for all the people who fought next to me to help me get better. So many of my friends that I distanced myself from came and held my hand. My relationships are richer and more loving. I am ME again.

3. 

   Judy Harris on March 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

   I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for several years and deal with other things that should have put me over the edge long ago but I hang in there and keep praying for something better for the world and hope that someday this stuff will stop! I cannot stay strong forever and feel that time is getting close for me but refuse to give in!!!

4. 

   Karin Canazzi on March 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

   I realized before I began Soul Restoration that I had endured a few years of depression. As my youngest was in middle school I started feeling like I wasn’t needed anymore. My husband had immersed himself in his business/hobby, the children were growing up, my friends all had jobs and surely didn’t have time for me. My son had begun looking at pornography and my mom died unexpectedly. I was spending my days holed up in the house escaping into books and eating. As I got bigger, my self esteem plummeted. The voices in my head got louder. I was believing them too.

   Slowly but surely I began praying for a way out. I began telling the voices to leave me alone. I came out of the worst of it. Now I don’t really remember how. I do know that until I did soul restoration everything affected me dramatically. The voices were still telling me lies. NOW I rebuke them with the truth.

   There are days when I feel myself slipping. I tell myself that I can have one day-one day to sit in my jammies and read or wallow. But then the next day I must do something, go somewhere, send someone a note, tell someone I’m slipping. Find support and cling to God.

5. 

   Anonymous on March 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm

   It was for me. I’ll be honest: I “liked” your FB awhile ago but never kept up with the blog. The past couple weeks have been an inner battle for my mental health. I’ve been through PPD three times now and now after baby #4 I am fighting to use all the tools I have learned about in getting better through my previous experiences as I still feel that simmering depression/anxiety that could VERY easily rear it’s ugly head and bring me down FAST. This post reminded me to reach out I my loved ones (especially mu husband!!) to let them know of my inner struggle. I’ve told people before that people can’t help you unless they know something is wrong. Well…I need to start taking my own advice before I sink deeper, which will make it harder to recover. THANK YOU for listening to and following that inner voice.

6. 

   Ruth on March 28, 2012 at 3:42 pm

   Thank-you for this article! It’s allowed me to see a little bit what the other side of the coin is like. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 15, but I think I’ve experienced both since childhood. I am now 26 and 2 months ago I moved out of my partner’s house because I was in a period of deep depression, and just couldn’t cope with feeling like a burden and not being able to contribute to the relationship any more. He, like you, says he doesn’t expect anything in return for loving and caring for me, but it was killing me knowing that I was “failing” the relationship. If I’m not in a relationship, I can’t fail at it! But we are still very close, I just find it easier to not have the pressure of thinking “a girlfriend should behave like this, or do that”, and berating myself for not living up to those standards I set myself. I never, ever understand why he still gives me the time of day, but I am really grateful. I am actually off medication for the first time in 10 years, and now feel like I am coming out of this 8 month long “bad patch”. The cruelest part of depression is that it can give you one day of feeling ok, and then whip it away from you, with no rhyme or reason. I am learning that I can’t always plan for the future, because I only know how I feel TODAY. I’m sure there’s a lesson in there about living in the moment, but it’s hard, as my anxiety makes me a bit of a control freak! Thank-you for your blog, and all the beautiful artwork 🙂

7. 

   Lisa Dunn on March 28, 2012 at 3:44 pm

   I’m suffering severe anxiety, panic and depression now for YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and NOTHING no one can do, to help to make it better. I always feel alone…feel as though the world is full of hurtful people, so why bother….I’ve constantly let folks in and gave and gave and gave and still got destroyed. Recently my best friend, in which was my ‘Soul Sister’…a gal who lived with me, shared everything with me…..did everything together, etc, etc. Stole my husband from right under my own eyes. Now I’m divorced and alone and trust no one….it’s a lonely place

8. 

   Becky on March 28, 2012 at 3:49 pm

   I have battled depression off and on for many years. I have been hospitalized in the past for the hopelessness associated with depression. Currently I am in the midst of another bout and my marriage of 24 years is very close to being over. There is tremendous pain and loneliness right now and I am very close to giving up. Twice in the last 3 weeks I have come close to ending my life. I have it planned–I just need the guts to go through with it. What has kept me from ending it? I guess my kids…I have 4. Three are grown and one is 16. I desperately want to live to see grandkids but am doubtful that will happen. Depression has taken so much from me and I am running out of fight. I am sure I am not alone in these feelings, but right now I feel evry much alone.

9. 

   Lianne on March 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

   Melody, this also brought tears to my eyes. Mental illness terrifies most people and yet it is so prevalent and common in today’s society. I am a long term sufferer of depression, for most of my life really, and also still suffer from time to time even though I have done the hard yards to reach the place I am in today. There are times when it still strikes me and threatens to send me back under the bed clothes, to want to hide, to not want to face that black dog head on and to just give up, even now, years down the track, after all my hard work! There are times I have to dig so very deeply in my toolbox of skills to keep going but I am now able to do that. We are so blind to the affect it has on everyone around us, the depressed person is selfish and demanding and your understanding and love for your husband makes my heart so full and happy, you are an incredible woman, many give up, thank you for sharing this with me and all who read it! There needs to be more compassion, education and understanding around this terrible disease! Lianne

10. 

    Jen on March 28, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Depression, and mental health, are far too often still viewed as a dark and dirty secret and in creating that framework it serves to make those that suffer from it embarrassed and ashamed as they suffer along in silence. I was one of the naysayers – a member of the pick-yourself-up-from-your-bootstraps, you get a small time to suffer, but eventually you need to get over yourself – until I lived it. Until I spent hours in bed unable to move even though I knew that I should I would never have believed how dark the world can look. And through it all I held so tight to my public image – I might be late for everything (because of the not able to get out of bed syndrome), but once I was there I was “on,” but eventually being “on” all the time was killing me and I broke. But I slowly built myself back-up and I have to say that I now love the person that emerged. I lost friends (not many, but one very close one). I made changes. And I shared my story – not because I’m brave or strong or a crusader, but because I just couldn’t not share my story anymore. I blogged my journey http://thoughtsmusingsfromaclutteredmind.blogspot.com/2011/02/many-many-starts.html, and I then shared it. And amazingly enough, as I sat in a room scared of what I’d just showed my friends’ list on facebook the messages poured in – and most of them were private ones. There are so many people that suffer and are so quiet about it, it broke my heart to see how many there were in just my small universe. I’m convinced that the only way to change this is to talk and talk and talk about it. People need to see that those in the world around them are the face of mental illness and until that happens it will be the dirty little secret that far too many live with for far too long in silence.

11. 

    Beth Zimmerman on March 28, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I’ve been battling depression for about 4 years now. I suppose in all honesty that it goes further back than that. 4 years ago I reached a point where the ONLY emotions I could dredge up were fear and anger. I had forgotten how to feel joy … although I could still paste on a smile. I functioned … enough to get up and go to work … but I was lost at home. Tired of pretending everything was okay, tired of holding back tears, just plain tired. And I would take it out on my family and hate myself for it. I finally went to a doctor and he told me it was depression. He put me on medication which worked for a while … then we had to increase the dosage. I was on that medication and doing pretty well until life began to fall apart around me last summer. I kept thinking it was situational, temporary, it would get better. 2 days before Christmas I wanted to die. It was the first time in a long time that the pit had been that bad! I also battle chronic pain (they tend to feed each other) and asked my pain doctor about adding Cymbalta. She thought it was a good idea and the last couple of months … I could feel ME coming back. The only thing that still felt scary and bad was my job.I had grown to hate it and it was hard to keep going because of the way it seemed to drag me back into my pit. I noticed that dealing with my depression was much easier from Saturday morning until the middle of Sunday afternoon. Got my employee evaluation last week and my boss had hit me hard with how much I had changed over the past year. I had become difficult to work with, inconsiderate, aggressive and angry. I talked to my husband about the reality that I thought I had been controlling those things at work but I wasn’t sure. We made a mutual decision that I would quit my job because I was being disrespected. (Even if there was some truth in the eval it was way out of perspective.) Now I’m scared because with no insurance … no way we can afford my our meds. And I’m afraid that between guilt and chemical stress … the pit may start dragging me down again. And I am afraid of being abandoned because I know the cost that depression has required my husband to pay!

    I am making a concentrated effort to daily find things for which I can be grateful. Disciplined praise! It does help … it does …

12. 

    Clementine on March 28, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Hi Melody, there are so many reasons that can cause any degree of depression, physical, emotional and spiritual. You are right, there isn’t much available in the way of books that actually offer keys to healing and recovery. We have come across one a couple of months ago (it is new on the market) written by a man who suffered from serious depression, as you describe, not once but twice and for different reasons, and found the way out. It is called Spirit Wars and is written by Kris Vallotton who is one of the pastors at Bethel Church in Redding, CA. You don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from reading this book 🙂 Published by Chosen Books (www.chosenbooks.com) Also available from Amazon. It is easy to read, written with honesty and integrity and a whole lot of love for those of us in this war/battle we find ourselves in. It is also the ONLY book I would recommend for this dreadful darkness and the way out of it. You are VERY brave to put this blog post ‘out there’, my respects to you!

13. 

    buttercupgirl on March 28, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I feel like a horrible person now. I have been contemplating divorce for months now. I don’t feel that I can tolerate the verbal abuse that my husband spits at me and our children because of his mental disease (bipolar 2). I cannot make him go to the doctor or take his medication or any of the other things he should be doing. It is exhausting be the sole breadwinner, housekeeper and caregiver for our children AND him. It is hurtful when he reaches out to other women for “comfort” and is untruthful about things. Yes, I love him. And I love my children and I am put in a position to have to make a choice. When they need me, he says I ignore him.There is not enough of me to go aroudn for them…let alone for me.

    • 

      melody on March 28, 2012 at 4:09 pm

      buttercupgirl……..this is such a very personal and situation-by-situation issue. You must do what is best…only YOU know what that is. Please do not feel like a horrible person. You are doing such brave things. Listen to your heart and seek out those who love you and can counsel you through it and help you know what to do next. You are so brave. xoxo

14. 

    Jane Doe on March 28, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    I am bawling. Tears are streaming. I was one of many who needed to read this today. Every.day.is.a.struggle.for.me. I have been severely depressed for about the last 3 years. One devastating event after another has left me feeling hopeless and thinking the only way I can end this pain is to take my own life. I thinking about killing myself on a daily basis. I worry how it will affect my Mom, Grandpa and the handful of friends that I have. I just need the strength to swallow those pills. To just do it. To stop thinking things will get better when they won’t and aren’t. I pray to God every night to just take me in my sleep and every morning when I wake up, I bawl. I don’t even know the person in the mirror anymore. I want to reach out to my friends but I imagine they would be horrified to know how I feel. To see me at my lowest of lows. To think the only way out is to end it all. I have reached for my phone 100 times to call one of them but why bother them. They have kids, a spouse and lives to lead. They don’t need to be brought down by me and how I am feeling.

    Thank you for being so open and honest with us all. You sharing the deepest part of your soul with strangers is refreshing and so inspiring. Thank Marq as well.

    • 

      melody on March 28, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      Sweet Jane…please reach out. Seriously…..PLEASE. Reach out to someone who loves you. xoxo

15. 

    Caren on March 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    thank you for sharing such a personal story. I suffer from severe depression since a breast cancer diagnosis at 36. (I’m 43 now) My husband proposed to me the same week I was diagnosed, I had a bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks after that, planned my wedding in the hospital and got married 2 weeks later. I started chemo the week I should have been on my honeymoon. Fast forward to today..my husband told me last week he wants a divorce. Why? basically because I have not been able to provide him with what he needs. I have done nothing wrong purposely, but will find myself alone in the few couple of months without a job, money, a place to live etc.etc.etc., which I hope will not throw me deeper into the darkness. I have great friends, but you’re right they do not understand that depression is a disease. I hate sounding like poor me… because this not who I was before I got sick and it drives me crazy. There is a fighter and survivor inside me, I just have to find her again.

    • 

      melody on March 28, 2012 at 4:15 pm

      KEEP FIGHTING, Caren. Find that girl…she is in there! xoxo

16. 

    KAMBREE KAY THACH on March 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, MELODY, YOU ARE JUST GORGEOUS…INSIDE & OUT! GOD BLESS YOU FOR YOUR STRENGTH TO SPEAK OUT SO FREELY. YOU ARE TRULY AN INSPIRATION.

    PS: I’M ROOTING FOR YOU TOO…

    XOXO
    KAMBREE KAY

17. 

    Andrea on March 28, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    All of you Brave Girls are in my thoughts and prayers! Life is truly magnificent when we can view it with a clear lense. Just wanted to share – one of the books that helped me trudge the muck is called “Fearless” by Max Lucado. It is Biblically based, uses scripture that teaches us to overcome the anxiety that so often accompanies depression. (Anxiety became my mind’s outlet for expressing my depression) “Fearless” has no overkill on the scripture, it focuses really on strengthening faith to overcome fear and depression.

18. 

    Sue young on March 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Thank you for writing this, Melody
    My husband of 38 years has been suffering from HORRIBLE
    depression for over 2 years since a very mild heart attack. We are now separated because he has made some life decisions that are not very intelligent. Reading this was wonderful. I am going to forward him a copy. Thank you.

19. 

    Lisa on March 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Oh, Buttercup girl…..

    Let me tell you a story. I had an abusive marriage, from a very young age. I finally had enough courage to say enough was enough. I threw him out. And moved on with my kids. I had a couple of relatioships, but was afraid to “go there” again.

    13 years ago, I met a man. 9 years ago, I got brave enough to marry him. And for those first 4 years before we got married, and the 6 years after that, things were good.

    Then, he went into the hospital for congestive heart failure. And I discovered that he was a massive closet alcoholic. The alcohol was the direct cause of his CHF.

    Everything should go uphill once that big secret was out, right? I felt like the world’s biggest idiot, I never even suspected. (No, I wasn’t….he was THAT determined to hide it.) But I loved him, and I supported him.

    I took him to the doctor. I paid all of his medical bills, our insurance, the greater majority of the household bills. I supported him in every way that I could.

    And he still drank. And he still hid it from me. Eventually, he began to lie to me about more than just the booze. To hide things from me. And still, I tried, I supported him. I tried to get him to get help for the booze, and the associated depression.

    He got fired from his job, the booze had affected all aspects of his life. Still, he drank. He got a DUI, and totalled my van. Still, he drank. And still he lied to me. When the lying kept going, and he began to steal from me as well….it was enough.

    He was destroying himself, and he was reaching a point where he was destroying me, too. I thought the hardest thing I would ever do was to kick out my ex when I had two small children. I was wrong. The hardest thing I ever did was to say to someone….you are killing yourself, you are destroying yourself. You cannot destroy me.

    And I left.

    And he died a short time later.

    I’ve had people tell me don’t feel guilty. I tell you with all honesty…I don’t. I look at the situation, and I know there is nothing else I could have done. I gave everything I had physically, financially, and emotionally. It wasn’t enough, and it could never be enough.

    That fact makes me unbearably sad. But it doesn’t make me feel guilty.

    I don’t know your whole story….but you have to be there for those children. They don’t have anyone else, only you. And if you’re being destroyed to the point where you can’t be there for them….then you may well need to make a choice.

    If you make the right choice for you, and your kids, don’t you dare let anyone make you feel guilty, no matter what that is. They’re not walking where you are.

20. 

    Bee Bug on March 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Jane-
    For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you……I want you to know you are so valuable….you just don’t know…I can see you…and I know that your creator can as well, he is ever close in our hours of dispair….you are not alone even now…those you have lost are with you as well. You bring and have brought joy to many….just by being here…I want to speak to that little girl within…I know you hear me…and I pray a prayer to brush away all the pain….you are not alone…for even now while I type these words, i see you and I wrap my arms around you and I feel your pain and I reach to you… feel me here… you are not alone…

21. 

    UCLA Depression Research Program and Clinic on March 28, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    The UCLA Depression Research Program and Clinic offers free treatment for depression and has several studies ongoing with cutting edge treatments (utilizing both medication and non-medication alternatives).If you are in the Los Angeles area only, call 310-825-3351, or visit us online at http://www.depressionla.com.

22. 

    Martha sue on March 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Thanks melody 🙂 for everything 🙂

    Jane doe…..reach out to your friends honey! If the first doesn’t respond call the next! They want to help you… They will help you ! This comes from someone whom had to do the calling and who has received the calls :). But more importantly from someone who did NOT receive the call from the friend in need and I didn’t realize it til later…… Your friends love you and can help you get help 🙂

23. 

    Kim on March 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    This is a very timely post. You were right, there wer people out here who needed to hear it. I am in the throws of depression and anxiety now but taking the bull by the horns and will be meeting with a counselor and getting thru this…….. Thanks for your post.

24. 

    Kelly on March 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    I needed this today. Thank you, Melody.

25. 

    Gilly on March 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Mental health, not so tangible as physical health, but nevertheless just as important (if not more). I cannot help but think that there is not one person out there that will not suffer from depression at one point (or more) in his or her life.

    I am pretty sure that my depression started as a teen, then re-surfaced post-partum, then after the death of my mother, then through my divorce.

    The good thing is there is help out there, but we just have to reach out for it and NEVER GIVE UP!!! See your doctor or other medical professionals. Talk to people, journal your feelings, scream them out at the top of your lungs.

    The other things that has helped is learning to pro-actively take care of myself before episodes occur. Our lives are constantly progressing and we are learning, and I am learning to take better care of myself. Starting with conciously changing my self-talk, getting lots of rest, eating (somewhat) nutritiously, surrounding myself with positive people.

    For those of you dealing/living with people with depression, I am so sorry, I have no words of advice. You all must follow your hearts, and like Melody said, every situation is personal.

    Hugs to all!

26. 

    L on March 28, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Thanks for reposting it. I live with bipolar and somedays it isn’t much fun. Even with meds, it can be harsh. People love love love to tell me to just make your mind and “snap out of it”. It ended my marriage because my man didn’t know how to talk to me, to confort me, to understand it or me.

    Thanks again for reposting. Say happy birthday to that great man of yours and I so love my birdie!!!

27. 

    tina gilbert on March 28, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    I agree with Andrea — anything by Max Lucado has spoken right to my heart. I would like to also recommend a book by Beth Moore, called “Get Out Of That Pit”. I suffered for years with depression, shortly after getting married. For years I could not pinpoint just what was causing my depression, but I fought it and fought it and fought it. A little at a time I was lifted out of the pit, and am finally standing on higher ground. I thank the Lord for giving me a husband who, though he could not fathom just what the heck was wrong with me, stuck it out and fought to keep me. And I thank the Lord for His loving presence in my life. He gave me hope, He pricked my darkness with points of Light until finally I was full of Light. It is a process, getting out of depression. But don’t give up, sister! When you come out of the valley, onto the other side, you will begin to see the beauty, once again, of Life, Light, Beauty & Hope. May the Lord bless you! Do not hide away! To come out of the darkness, you must open the door. The light will scare you at first, and you’ll want to tuck back inside and hide awhile…but keep opening the door, trying to extend your stay in the Light a little longer each time. There is healing for you, I just know it. Praying for you today.

28. 

    Joanna Kelley on March 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Depression is such a complex issue and not very well understood. I think medicine has barely scraped the surface of the biological/physiological causes of depression. In short, “they” (whoever “they” are) just don’t know. I suffered from depression off and on for many, many years. I had congenital heart defect that was not corrected until I was 42 and misdiagnosed until I required emergency surgery. I did not know it then, but through further research I discovered that A LOT of people who have heart disease have depression. Is it actually a biological side effect of disease? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that causes this? Again — “they” just don’t know. I was prescribed Prozac and it has helped me considerably. I hear so many negative things about this drug, but it has helped me to live a normal life. It isn’t about feeling good ALL the time, it is about feeling NORMAL. I feel grief when it appropriate, and I can feel joy when it is appropriate. Some of the stuff said about this drug makes me feel ashamed that I take it, but I feel like I am SO lucky that I have found something that helps ME. It isn’t a crutch, it just makes me feel NORMAL. I know it may not help everyone, and truly believe that “they” haven’t even begun to understand the causes and pathology of depression. I don’t know why the subject is so taboo. Thanks to everyone who has posted for trying to shine a light on this little known disease. You are all very Brave Girls!

29. 

    Marie on March 28, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Thank you, all you wonderful ladies, for the way you share your experiences and provide hope and support for one another. I can say with the surest knowledge of truth that Melody, Kathy and families commmittement to the Brave Girls concept/program was a turning point for me in dealing with the confusion in my life caused by depression. It was a providential moment when I discover this site because it lead to me signing up for the “Daily Truths”, and as I began to feel more hopeful and supported to sign up for Soul Restoration 1. SR 1 was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…( and I had to do it twice!).but I believe it was the watershed moment in my treatment, cousneling and medication just weren’t enough I guess, so much of what Melody and Kathy wrote spoke to me and I send them blessings everyday for saving my life. I thank them for helping me find my Truthteller, my truths, and my voice. I learned that much of my depression was caused by not using my voice and holding anger, frustration and resentment (ever since I was a young adult). Brave Girls has taught me to reach out for help and support and to speak my truths. As I turn 60 today, I want to tell everyone Thank you and I will try to “pay it forward” as you have done and continue to do. This is such important work you do, please know you are appreciated! (((HUGS)))))

30. 

    Karen on March 28, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    I too suffered severe depression and anxiety that kept me in bed, caused me to become agoraphobic caused many panic attacks, almost ruined my relationship with my husband and gain a ton of weight. Three things saved me from this. 1st a program called “attacking anxiety and depression ” by Lucinda Bassett. A 16 week course you do at home . I would force myself to get out of bed and walk while I listened to the CD’s , then (and actually did this first) I turned this disease over to God and prayed constantly for his strength. Lastly I went to the doctor and got medicine and had a complete physical and saw a gynecologist and had him put me hormones to balance me. It took all three if those things to get me well. I realized NO ONE could do this for me. I had to get myself well. It was the darkest place I have ever been in my life and I will pray for all of you to find that same strength to help yourselves too!! Be brave girls!

31. 

    Katie Walker on March 28, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Jane, whatever you do, get help. Please. You deserve it.

    When I was 16, my Uncle committed suicide. It was horrible. The people left behind blamed each other. There were so many people hurt that did nothing, but be left behind. It destroyed parts of the family and left a bitterness that still lingers almost 25 years.

    You are not weak for not wanting to hurt your family. You are being strong. Please stay strong.

    It is okay to get help. It is okay to take medications if you need them.

    I’ve been on meds for my bipolar condition for 20 years. I’m not embarrassed by this. It is just something I have to take to keep my brain’s chemicals in balance. If I was diabetic, I would take insulin. This is no different.

    Take care- Katie

32. 

    Olivia Fulmer on March 28, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I want to read all the comments, but I’m going to jump in with my story. I am in the midst of my first time through Soul Restoration I, and I’m serious considering doing a repeat during the summer. I have “mild” depression and anxiety, mostly as a result of my husband’s severe bipolar disorder. I have seen him so low that he didn’t want to live (not suicidal, but just didn’t care whether he was alive or dead). I have seen him so manic that he thought he could go 24/7 without rest. In my sick humor, I thought I would have to kill him so that I could live with him when he was in that phase. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to, no one who would understand, no one who could support me. My husband’s mother also suffers from depression, and I could not turn to my in-laws, and I wouldn’t burden my parents. I felt lost. When I started crying daily on the way to work for no reason (imagine crying to Ray Charles and Willie Nelson’s “”Seven Spanish Angels”), I knew I needed help.

    Long story short, I found someone, another wife with another severely bipolar husband, and she gave me hope and strength. We are not out of the woods, never will be, but I am strong enough to handle it. I still have to take a low dose of anti-depressant. Perhaps one day, I can stop, but for now, I will take the help where I can get it. Finding online support groups–the “Soul Sisters” in Soul Restoration I, the sisters in the Beyond Layers class, my friends on Facebook–all of these people help me when I’m finding things too much to bear on my own. Listening to my truth teller, listening to God, listening the Universal Oversoul (from Emerson)–these also give me the strength to continue.

    Melody, you may have been writing to me because I am coming out from under a cloud. I have been unemployed since June. Last week, I was offered and accepted a long-term substitute teaching position teaching sixth, seventh, and ninth grade students. I am delighted and happy. I come home from school exhausted, but it’s physical exhaustion, not mental or emotional. I find joy in the eagerness of these students. They have not yet been jaded by school or life. They want to tell their stories, and one day, I will be able to help them, just as you have helped me.

    Just know, all of you there, whether you are the one with depression or you love someone who has this cruel illness, I hear you; I am here for you, and I am praying for you.

33. 

    Carla Serenko on March 28, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Jane, I have been where you are now, several times throughout my life. And I can only suggest a few things.

    First, I had completely lost who I was under the expectations of other people. I was doing everything “right” according to others and yet I was desperately sad and depressed. I was emotionally numb except for a powerful feeling of self-loathing and a desire to stop living the way I was living – and any option to stop living like that was truly considered.

    Secondly, I had this incredibly dark and powerful “something” always criticizing me, so much so that I never ever realized how the criticism started, how to stop it, how to deal with it. Stopping that “something” was paramount to me – again, I’d consider ANY option.

    Two things were critical to my survival. One was going to my doctor and was finding a good therapist.

    The doctor prescribed a light dose of an anti-anxiety remedy and I had to check in daily for 2 weeks (I LOVE my doctor!). I then found a good therapist who helped me work through my issues with a combination of therapies, one of which was cognitive therapy. I had to pinpoint, over time, when the critical voices started and what triggered them. I came to learn how I think and what my vulnerable areas were. Then, I took steps to deal with them. Also, I discovered that in my desire not to “burden” anyone with my problems, I stopped talking about what was going on inside and that only increased my sense of isolation. Talking to the therapist was difficult at first but it was wonderful to get it all out. (I kind of think of it as getting rid of the poison.) I was then able to move into better relationships – with a small circle of friends, some new, some not.

    Over time, I quit my job and went to work at something I enjoy a bit more. I discovered that some of my emotional problems were cognitive/emotional, some were hormonal, and some were truly a lack of certain brain chemicals that people need to function well.

    Now, looking back, my life is SO worth living. Would I wish the process I had on anyone? Heck no! But it was MY process and I lived to tell about it.

    You ARE loved and deeply cared for, no matter what others may tell you or what you may tell yourself. CALL those friends whom you trust and talk to them. Talk to professionals – a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist – to get it out from inside of you. There is NO stigma – let me repeat “There is NO stigma” – in fighting for your life. Do it. When you come out the other side, you will heal and love, yourself and others.

    {{{{{Jane Doe}}}}}

34. 

    kat on March 28, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    After being married for 7 yearsand one daughter I had finally pushed my husband away, I broke him, I told him I was leaving. A fee weeks later I was diagnosed bipolar type 2 and all of a sudden my entire life made sense. I understood the drinking, the drugs, the verbal abuse I put my husband through, the risk taking behavior, the inability t bond with my daughter when she was an infant. Reality hit me hard but I had already broken my husband. He’s still broken. He felt with a bipolar me for 7 years and I walked away. I am now on medication to help balance my brain. I finally bonded with my now 5 year old daughter and I understand what mother really feels for her child. I live my husband but he’s scared. And now I’m the one showing unconditional love. But I’ll keep going, I won’t ever give up. He promised for better or worse and I did too. He endured my worst and now I’m helping him through his. At first I was confused and my bp2 defined me. It doesn’t anymore, there’s life after depression. There’s no quick fix and even though its difficult and confusing for those who have never suffered, don’t give up, don’t stop loving, there is light at the end. I promise.

35. 

    Laura C. on March 28, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    I have struggled with derision and helston since I was 12 years old. There was no underlying event that caused it, it just runs in the family,..my mom, my grandma, her mom…etc. I was suicidal and self-harming and eventually hospitalized when I was 14 in a treatment center for 4 months and was able to get past it.. I still struggled From time to time over the years but I was able to be successful in school and after high school martyred the msn if my dreams…things were financially stressfull for much of our marriage. My derision didnt really hit me gars again until after my second dib was born in 2009, and I struggled in silence for almost 2 years. This last year I began gaming myself in various ways and I felt my control slipping. Thanks to good supportive friends, I was able to get in to see a therapist and med nurse. Things were still tough, and I ws diagnosed as having bipolar 2. I acted very impulsively when I hurt myself, I ws smoking and drinking to drown my pain, which inevitably made things worse. I ws overmedicated becauseof the alcohol and mods stabilizers/antidepressants. On February tnd, after dropping my kids off at my moms, I began drinking again and impulsively without thinking about the consequences overdosed on my medication. I think God ws looking out for me because my friend showed up st my door secons before i passed out. She ws able to get new the medical attention I needed, and my life was spared. When I woke up the next day, I realized I could have left my kids without a mother and literally destroyed their lives. I decided to commit myself into the impatiens psychiatric hospital and spent 11 days learning about my illness, coping skills, and multiple therapy sessions. upon release I felt I could better manage my illness, and gaiter than I have been in a long time. I silk struggle with the feelings of self doubt and worthlessness, I feel vulnerable sometimes, but I have ben stronger then I was before inpatient treatment. I still cant forgive myself for what I did,and I’m terrified I will lose control again, but I but I’m trying to work on changing the automatic negative thoughts and turn into good ones. I know I will have to take medications and have to deal with this for the rest if my life and it is very difficult for me to accept that. its gars not to think I’m broken it something is wrong with new, but is someone who is a diabetic and has to take insulin broken? No they are not. I am trying to view my condition that way and though it is difficult, I hope some day to be able to come to trends with it, so I can live a better life. Its something to work for, and I hope i will be able to embrace and love myself exactly as I am.

    For anyone struggling, you can do it, youare strong enough. How do I know this?i know because I an a survive. I am living proof that it can, with work, be overcome. There is a wonderful life ahead I’d us yet to life, we can get there. Love and hugs <3

36. 

    Patty on March 28, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    I, too, have suffered from depression most of my adult life. For me it comes in waves. Sometimes the depression is simply unbearable. I have attempted suicide. Sometimes the depression is more like a dull pain. That’s where I am right now. Everything feels hard. I just have to keep pushing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I feel isolated. I’m certain everyone around me is tired of hearing about it. So I wait and I hope that this too shall pass. It’s going to pass, isn’t it?

    • 

      melody on March 28, 2012 at 6:34 pm

      Patty, sending you a great big hug. xoxoxo you are very very very loved.

37. 

    Me on March 28, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I took STD a year ago because the stress and anxiety from my job was killing me. 2weeks ago I was laid off after 20 years. Despite a less than perfect childhood I kicked ass and took names for so long. Now it seems all for nothing. Recruiters and hiring managers are rude, unprofessional, and obnoxious in interviews…… So far. If you don’t want me, fine….. Your loss. But being rude and unprofessional will be yours.

38. 

    Suzanne on March 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    I get it and there IS hope…just keep fighting…you can and will get thru it….and while it will still rear it’s ugly head from time to time…it gets easier to fight!

    There is a book out there that is a good one too…..well a couple…

    1) You are Not alone…just a book of diary entries from people with depression…while the messages are sad, it’s comforting in that YOU TRULY are NOT alone…..there is comfort in knowing that.

    2) Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers is another good one…with helping to fight the words in your head.

    I pray for ALL OF YOU to be brave, ask for help, get support because you CAN get thru this and when you do, it’s a beautiful thing and you WILL be stronger for it. I know I am.

    PRAYERS for all of you tonite!

39. 

    Pearle Pruitt on March 28, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Thank you Melody for giving us a safe place to share. I appreciate you so much.

    I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I’ve been on medication and it always helps but it also blunts my emotions and makes it difficult for me to be “touched” by anything. I hate that part of it. I miss having my heart broken over things that should break my heart. Off the meds, I can’t seem to function the way I want to.

40. 

    Shonda on March 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Thank you for this very timely post. I have struggled with depression off and on for years. I was married to an abusive man. He is has a very manic , controlling personality. I always thought something was wrong with me. Three years ago while 3 mo. pregnant with our 6th daughter. The breaking point came . I was so depressed throughout the pregnancy. But so many friends loved me through. For three years now it has been me and my girls Im back in school and things are good. Today I filed for divorce , even though hes been gone 3 years. It has brought up so many mixed feelings. Of the abuse the hiding of your problems cause your ashamed. Feeling like a failure for your kids. This year has been rough , the loss of several friends and my Step Dad ( all to death) I lost my home due to divorce. My sweet friend who lost her husband just this month started our own brave girls club with us two moms and our girls. So I started reading this site, It has been a true blessing. To Lisa , and Buttercup . Dont give up you are not alone. To the others there are so many of us NOT giving up . My friend , also from and abusive marriage ,and I have a saying IM STILL STANDING ! The bible says when youve done all you can do just stand. Sometimes you just have no more strength and you are in a heep on the floor But in our hearts we are STILL STANDING. Thank you for a place of encouragement. to all those who posted you are in my prayers. Dont give up.

41. 

    Sarah Cox on March 28, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    I have been away from BGC and SR1 for a few weeks now. Life has gotten in the way (again!). This morning, my husband urged me to get back to it. He saw how the creativity really made me smile again. I logged on and read this post, Melody, and I wept. My husband is where you were then in 2006. I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and have been this way for the best part of four years, but more seriously so when in 2010, I discovered I was an alcoholic, my son was diagnosed with autism and I lost my mom, who was the most beautiful soul on earth. I thought I would die myself and in fact, I wanted to, many times. I would try to think of ways that I could die that would not hurt my children (I know, there isn’t any). Thank God really for my children, because it was them that really prevented me from taking that final step.

    I have stopped working – functioning at a high level was impossible. I have the most supportive husband and children, but my extended family does not understand. It is hard, and it is a life filled with terrible guilt. I desperately want to be the fun loving happy go lucky wildly exciting woman my husband married 16 years ago. At 44, I never imagined that I would feel like my life is largely over – just going through the motions of each day without really noticing anything. Of course, the exhaustion is crippling. I am permanently tired. I want to stay in bed, but can’t. My guilt wont allow me to do that, but I do sit on the couch a great deal of the day (just writing it, admitting it, is so painful). Being a woman who is meant to be strong, be the nurturer, who is gripped like a vice in the darkness that is depression makes me feel like a fraud as a woman.

    I look all around me and I know how blessed I am and yet, despite all of life’s blessings, I am at sea on a very stormy ocean, black clouds above, without an oar. It is a very horrible place to be.

    People do not understand, have little tolerance and really not much acceptance of depression. As you say they say “snap out of it”. Our society is riddled with depression, but not much gets done about it. Support is scant at best. You just go to the GP, get your meds and that’s that – you are left to battle the high seas alone. I once told a GP I was suicidal, but because I was a “well dressed middle class woman”, he assumed I would be okay. He upped my meds and sent me home. I had to phone my husband to come home from work because I didn’t want to live. My trust in GPs is very low as you can imagine.

    I live in Australia and it is estimated that a whopping 25% of our population will suffer from depression at some time in their lives. That is 5 million people!! And yet no services exist to support not only the sufferer but the family as well.

    Isolation is such a problem with depression, yet it is also what feeds depression. A vicious cycle and one that needs to be broken.

    Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for starting what you have started because you are helping a lot of people. I know that I need to complete my journey with you. Thank you x

42. 

    Martha on March 28, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    A little over 3 years ago, my husband began to change…he started shutting me out, not talking to me. He stopped showing affection. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he was fine. When it got worse, I begged him to tell me – was it me? Had he met someone else? He denied having any affair, but wouldn’t communicate with me. Then one night he came to me and announced that he had leased an apartment and moving out in a week. When I asked him to explain why, all he could say was that he just wasn’t happy, and was making me and the kids miserable and felt that this was the best solution. He began to shut EVERYONE out. He didn’t want to talk to his parents/siblings. He stopped going to church. He wouldn’t talk to friends or church leaders. I was utterly heartbroken, and couldn’t make any sense of it, except that he must be depressed. That was the only thing that seemed to explain things.
    To make a long story short, he moved back home 3 months later, and agreed to go to counseling with me. That seemed to help for a while, but soon he started missing appointments, and shortly afterward stopped going. He seemed glad to be home (he had been lonely during the 3 months), but he still was not the affectionate, loving husband he used to be. He’s still not. Our counselor tried to talk to him about depression. I have tried to talk to him about it. He doesn’t believe he has it…and even claims that he doesn’t blelieve in depression itself.
    Throughout this I have been through periods of blaming myself, blaming him, aching for my “lost” companion, feeling anger, fear, rejection. I was lead to Brave Girls Club through post Melody wrote, shared by a friend on FB…the one titled “We Must See Past What it Seems”. From there I read Melody’s story and KNEW that I needed to learn some things here.
    MELODY, you have taught me SO MUCH about loving without expectation! It was hard to believe, but it TRULY HAS BEEN THE ONLY WAY TO GO, OR STAY, WHERE THE PEACE IS! I can’t thank you enough. Through Soul Restoration 1 and 2 I began to turn my focus back to me…and what I HAVE THE POWER to change…even if I can’t do anything about him. I began to protect my soul from unnecessary pain, and I worked through many of my feelings, realizing at last that I have been grieving my former relationship with my love. And finally accepting (for the most part) the reality of what our relationship now is….which is still *ok*, even if it is not what I wish, or what used to be. But I see now, that he does still love me, and our family. He’s giving what he can….and is unable to give more…for now. I hope that one day he will accept his depression and get help. Until then, I will still go on trying to love ANYWAY. And trying to hope that this part of our marriage is just a great big deep valley in between the beautiful mountains, and one day we’ll climb up out and look back the way you and Marq are now.

43. 

    Anne Palmer Peterson on March 28, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    You light the way for so many, and we appreciate your open, honest heart! Thank God for brave girls (who are beautiful inside & out) like YOU and who inspire others, connect, support, strengthen, so many other verbs/adjectives to go on, but lady, you make life sooo much better for so many of us. This is a real and very hard topic, yet so many are ashamed to admit they suffer, or have a loved one who suffers….hoping this will light the way for many others and provide some hope and comfort and strength. You are beautiful. Thank you X a million. 🙂 xo

44. 

    Patricia Rodriguez on March 28, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    I’ve suffered from depression and panic attacks for years…I’ve read every self help book ever written…I’ve seen 7 psychiatrists and a few therapists….I’ve tried every antidepressant ever known to man…and all I can say is…seek God’s help…no matter what your religion is, or what’s the name of your god…energy…the universe….whatever you want to call it…get close to your spiritual self….and slowly things will get better. It will get better I promise.

    And for all of you who have a loved one suffering from depression….I know it’s hard to understand…I know you don’t know what to do…I know it’s frustrating…all you can do is show them your love. Unconditional love. That’s all we need 🙂

    And finally…(and I am in no way associated with Brave Girls Club, this is just from my personal experience)…read The Little Bird’s messages from Melody and Kathy…join Soul Restoration…and pray, meditate, create art…and I can promise you you are going to fly again 🙂

45. 

    Betty on March 28, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Thank you for your re-post. Two years ago yesterday my husband died. This was due in large part to his horrible abuse during childhood and severe PTSD from Vietnam and his ongoing sleep disorder. We had been married for 40 years. There were many modalities that he would, at times, try, yet his pain was too much. At first I felt eminence guilt. What more should I have done? What if? While I was in the “thick” of my husband’s depression, I didn’t realize how it was affecting me. I believe I am “coming to the other side” of recovery from my pain and grief. The one constant through our 40 years was our love for each other. To the day he died he would always introduce me as his “bride”. The very last thing he said to be was, “you are the best woman I have ever known”. At this end of some long lonely days, this gives me comfort and brings a smile to my heart.
    These past two years would have been impossible without my daughter and her family. She guided me to Brave Girl Club and I have learned so much about myself. Seems odd to say when I am a grandmother of 60+, but I am just now truly learning about me. Melody, thank you for your sharing. You help so many people in such a positive way. Blessing to you and yours…

46. 

    Carla Coffee on March 28, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I have suffered from depression (I now realize) all of my life but it came to a head in Dec.2010.I tried to take my life.I spent 7 days in a rehab,21 days in Partial Hospitalization and 21 days in Intensive out patient.Therapy for a year…and then tried to do it again that December…I am on 3 different medications for depression,one for anxiety,thyroid and diabetes medication.I am still not where I want to be in my life but I am trying.I have a tendency to see all the negatives of continuing to live.But I stay on my medications and I do things I like to do.In therapy I learned I am co-dependent,an enabler and that I have repressed for many years hurtful things from my childhood.And on top of that I was in peri menopause.And you are right …so many people think you can just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and snap out of it….I even used to think that.I just want to say I hope someone sees this and says,”I can get help and I am not alone.

47. 

    Robyn C. on March 28, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    This post was very timely for me, Melody. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you to EVERYONE that is involved in The Brave Girls Club – from running it to participating online. You are changing lives around the world. I know for a fact that you have changed mine. I am so grateful. You give me hope.

48. 

    Donna on March 28, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    WOW!!!! I’m in tears for all <3
    I'm nervous…… not wanting to share but feel I must! I have a hard time admitting , even typing, that I have moderate depression. I have recently been diagnosed ( but think I've had it for awhile ), and still trying to come to terms with it!
    I feel almost guilty writing it here after reading all these BRAVE women posting here!!!

    My depression isn't severe, it may only be seasonal ( yet to be determined ), but I must say it has affected me and my family more than I realized. I had gone to my Dr cause I hadn't been feeling well. Dr did some blood work, thinking it was thyroid. It all came back great!!! Then she hit me with the word "DEPRESSION". I was trying hard to hold back the tears, I was making myself sick! She went through a series of questions and most fell under Moderate. She recommened natural supplements to take since I was not severe. If that dosen't work then I'll try meds.
    I don't talk about it much cause I feel embarrassed, WHY??? cause of the stigma behind it.
    As my Dr explained it, my body has a hard time making the feel good chemicals to make us happy, so I need to put those into my body. It is a health issue, not a "get over" it issue, I need to own it and fight it with the help of my Dr and support.
    I feel alone and have a hard time getting out, I have isolated myself, and it is eating me and my family up!
    I have good days and bad, it has improved since taking the supplements, so we'll see when the sun shines more to see if it's just seasonal.
    I try to hold onto God and His word, that ALWAYS helps me get through when I'm down, I feel it when I don't spend time with Him, I go deeper into the "muck".

    I guess my point here is that, there are varying degrees of depression, and it affects us all in different ways. Even if you feel a bit off from your norm, see a Dr, it's OK.
    Melody, you are soo right, we need to accept the fact that this is a serious illness. I need to accept that!!!
    There have been some women that have posted about some major struggles, My heart and prayers go out to you all. It's true, You are NEVER alone.
    HUGS and PRAYERS!!!!!

49. 

    anon on March 29, 2012 at 12:35 am

    this is indeed timely. I just told my husband maybe for the tenth time, that I am suffering from depression. I know he sees the change in me but I still get the stock standard reply… what have you got to be depressed about.
    Dont’ get me wrong, this is from a very loving and caring man but he doesn’t “get” depression, he doesn’t believe people really do get depressed. So I will keep battling on – on my own. I don’t take anti depressants as I have only seen the sombie like effect they have on people and I don’t want to be like that. I think it is mainly from being in chronic pain each and every day (I have Fibromyalgia and other things wrong with me)

50. 

    Zura on March 29, 2012 at 1:10 am

    I suffer from depression and my husband says he feels like he’s standing in a huge field that’s on fire and he only has a glass of water to try and put it out.

51. 

    Amanda A on March 29, 2012 at 1:37 am

    I’ve battled depression my entire life. There isn’t a time where I remember being happy. I’ve had people ask me to think back to a time where I was happy….and there’s nothing there. There’s never been any light or joy in my life. But dang do I fake my way through everything remarkably well. I haven’t wanted to live for many years now. I get upset when I wake up. I’ve tried to talk to people. The biggest thing they tell me, and what I believe it the worst thing you can tell anyone: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” That is telling someone that whatever they are going through….it really isn’t important and he/she should just get over it. Depression IS NOT as temporary as people make it out to be. Talking about it to professionals isn’t always the solution. Medication isn’t always the solution. Every day I have to decide if I want to step outside. If I can fake my way through another day, another month, another year. It’s gotten harder and harder as time goes by. 2011 was the worst year for me yet. And it keeps going further and further down hill. With my job, I have to be careful what I say or do. If they find out I see a therapist or that I take depression meds, my job can be at stake. I can be deemed unfit for duty. I have tried so many things. I have taken Soul Restoration I twice and I took part 2. I have seen numerous shrinks who make things worse. 32 years of this feeling of total blackness. Or feeling nothing but emptyness inside. I continue to ask myself if there is any part of life worth living for. And the ONLY thing that makes me not end it is knowing all the mess my mom and sister would have to deal with.

52. 

    Col on March 29, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank YOU. xxxx

53. 

    Betty C on March 29, 2012 at 3:53 am

    To Amanda – my heart goes out to you. I just want to put my arms around you and hold you and tell you that you are loved.
    I was just telling someone the other day about a time more than thirty years ago when someone asked me if I was happy and I remember feeling confused by the question. The concept that I could be happy was so foreign to me that I had no idea how to respond. It simply was not part of my life experience.
    I think one of the problems with chronic depression is that you develop negative patterns of thinking so that its easy to believe that things will always be however [bad] they are now. And, you often don’t realize how skewed your thinking is until you can begin to get better. Those negative thinking patterns (habits) are difficult to overcome. (I sometimes still find myself having to consciously work to silence that inner critic/the one who is so negative about everything.) I worked and worked at it from all different angles for many years. And though I’m certainly in a far better place than I once was, I still find myself wondering what “happy” is. Life is filled with trials and disappointments and things that make it easy to become discouraged. My faith in a loving God and in my Savior, Jesus Christ have made all the difference in helping me through. While, like Amanda, I used to “fake it” to get through my days, I now am content with my life. “Happy” still seems elusive – but I’m okay with content. Content feels good.

54. 

    Tracy Belling on March 29, 2012 at 4:13 am

    Dear Melody and all the Brave Girls out there,

    Thank you so much for bringing me back to God and for helping to give me back my JOY. You are a beacon of light in this tough world. I am trying hard not to judge other people – when my brain starts I just say out loud SHOOSH! and it goes away, you are right in saying that we need to have compassion for others. I AM SO GRATEFUL for you that your life and your man has been restored to you. Keep up what you are doing, you and your team are fabulous. Come and visit the brave girls in Australia sometime x 🙂

55. 

    Tracy Belling on March 29, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Hello its me again – I was so excited to write that I typed my whole name – for the sake of internet privacy please change my name to Tracybe – I forgot in my rush to send my message of love to you guys xx Thanks 🙂

56. 

    Maureen on March 29, 2012 at 4:22 am

    To everyone brave enough to write, but especially to you Amanda, my heart, my love and my prayers go out to all. I had a Dad who dealt with depression and even tried to commit suicide several times. I have a brother who is bi-polar and a sister who suffers bouts of depression. It is a terrible disease and one that isn’t easily treated in every person. Please know you are all so loved and so worthwhile! You may not believe it at the moment, because the depression may not let you, but we can see it and for now you will have to take our word n it! You are not alone, you never will be, and you are very, very loved!

    The quote that Melody put above is similar to the tag line after my signature , it goes “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle!” and is from Philo of Alexandria. I like to remind everyone that no matter how a person may be acting, they still have pain and unhappiness as part of their lives, just as we do, and if we look at one another with compassion and love, instead of with judgement, we can begin to realize we are all the same, with the same struggles and the same joys!

    Thank you all for your brave posts and for sharing.

57. 

    tracy on March 29, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Thank you Melody for this message of hope, as always it comes at the perfect timetime. I have been severely depressed most of my life, hospitalized 10 times (1999-2004) for suicidal thoughts / actions and cutting, in therapy and on meds for the past 12 years. Childhood abuse, eating disorder, abusive marriage, no-low self esteem, overweight, body image issues, feeling never good enough, chronic pain and other physical health issues plus PTSD, anxiety, depression, stress. My 5 year old granddaughter (who I help raise) is the reason I keep going. I wish I could say I wanna live for me, that I deserve to have a great wonderful life. Til I can do that I’ll keep going for her.
    I’m scared… going to be making some big life changes in the next few months – moving and leaving my job as caregiver to my no longer best friend/roommate. Trying so hard to stay positive and not live in fear of all the what ifs. I’m in awe of all the Brave Girls here. Wishing I too could be brave. Taking small steps… today i will finish week 3 of Body Restoration. I pray I can complete the class in the next 3 weeks. I can do this. I can be brave.

58. 

    Katie Walker on March 29, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Tracy- You can do it! You are brave! I am in awe of your bravery! Take care-Katie

59. 

    karen baker on March 29, 2012 at 6:42 am

    SOME SUGGESTIONS IF NOTHING YOU’VE TRIED HAS REALLY WORKED

    There are so many moving posts here and I’d like to offer some ‘off the wall’ suggestions for everyone who is in despair because they’ve tried everything. I’ve battled with depression for years and know what it’s like to wake up wishing you’d simply died in the night. I also know what it’s like a) having no spouse or family to help you and b) trying to raise your children alone in the grip of crippling depression (which has probably been the worst aspect for me, as I’ve so much wanted them to have a strong, happy, vibrant mum, not someone who struggles through each day trying to put a brave face on things).

    Having spent years trying every anti-depressant under the sun and had all the side effects but no improvement, and having twice gone through psychotherapy, last summer I decided I would go on a personal quest to understand my own depression and research anything that might help. Here goes:

    – If your depression includes anxiety or panic attacks, check out the Alpha Stim. This small, portable device (which you can buy or rent) transmits mild electric currents through clips you attach to your earlobes. It’s painless and has been through numerous clinical trials. You can also get on with other things whilst using it. In the US you have to be supervised by your doctor, although you can still use the device at home. The Alpha-Stim hasn’t really helped lift my depression, but it stopped the accompanying anxiety attacks completely within two weeks!

    – If you have ‘atypical’ depression (actually very common and the kind I have), don’t be surprised if SSRIs, SNRIs and tricyclics don’t work. You are not a failure because you don’t respond well, or at all. Most medics are poorly informed about anti-depressants and it was my own research that led me to Modafinil. This is a ‘mood brightening’ drug, originally used to treat narcolepsy, but showing some promising signs for atypical depression. It has helped me rise above the most paralysing of my symptoms with no side-effects, although I certainly haven’t found it a wonder-drug. Note that it’s not licensed for the treatment of depression in much of Europe and that, like all drugs, it doesn’t work for everyone. I’ll also stress at this point that I am not a doctor and that I would urge people never to purchase prescription drugs online without medical advice and support.

    – Check out Dr Elaine Aron’s work on ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) http://www.hsperson.com. I cannot thank Dr Aron enough for her work, which has helped me understand so much about myself. High sensitivity doesn’t mean being highly emotional, it means having a nervous system that is very ‘porous’ and becomes easily swamped and overwhelmed by external stimuli, including such things as noise, bright lights and living amid chaos or conflict. Evidence suggests that 15 – 20% of the population is HSP and it brings benefits as well as disadvantages. Frequent overwhelm (a bit like overloading an electric circuit) often leads to serious, recurring and hard-to-treat depression in HSPs. However, Dr Aron’s books and forums offer so much wisdom about small ways you can change your life to minimise the overwhelm and thus the depression. There’s a simple, free self-test on her site, so please do have a look.

    – Do you over-dream? Dreaming is vital to our wellbeing, but over-dreaming is exhausting. When we’re depressed we tend to ruminate during the day time about our situation and ourselves, particularly if we’re encouraged to keep thinking about our past during therapy. We then try to process all this rumination during sleep. The brain can’t tell the difference between dream and reality and releases stress hormones if the dream is upsetting or frightening. Apparently, most people who are suffering from depression have raised levels of the stress hormone cortisol – this can make you feel terrible, especially on waking. If you search for the Human Givens Approach on the web you will find lots of useful information about this.

    – A lovely life-coach friend introduced me to the work of Sydney Banks and his realisation that all feelings (including the feelings that accompany depression) are created by our thoughts. This concept is often referred to as ‘The Three Principles’ and is similar in some ways to Byron Katie’s work. My friend asked me the intriguing question “Are you paying too much attention to your own thoughts and feelings instead of seeing them like weather – something that just passes by, sometimes sunny, sometimes gloomy?” Banks, who was an uneducated manual worker with an amazing story, captured the interest of psychologists and psychiatrists worldwide. He gently challenged them about the logic of getting distressed people to keep revisiting distressing events in their past during therapy. There are some lovely You-Tube video clips of this quiet, unassuming man. I found his work helpful but still struggled to understand why I generate so many depressed thoughts in the first place, when another person in my situation might not.

    – That led me on to Terence Watts’ fascinating book (also available on Kindle) called ‘Warriors, Settlers and Nomads.’ Watts explains that we’re all a genetic ‘soup’ but that only 5% of our genetic coding comes from the last 900 years! For centuries our ancestors lived in one of three basic ways – as part of a settler tribe, as part of a warrior tribe, or as part of a nomadic tribe. He believes that in each of us one of these ancestral instincts predominates and that if your childhood caregivers were of a different tribal type you might grow up always feeling like a fish out of water. People who are predominantly ‘settlers’ (and you really do need to read Watts’s definitions and short tests) are more prone to persistent depression than other tribal types. Watts believes this is because settlers (of which I’m one) carry deeply-embedded subconscious tribal memories of attack by warriors and desertion by nomads. I’ve precised all this imperfectly, but I can honestly say that after reading Watts’s book my thinking patterns made sense for the first time. I’m a settler who’s been surrounded by warriors and nomads all my life and my subconscious mind is constantly telling me I’m lost and separated from my tribe. Now I know that there are things I can start doing about it.

    – Much more down-to-earth, I was shocked to discover the close correlation between depression and dehydration. Drinking a gallon of water doesn’t make me euphoric, but I have found that upping my water intake when I’m beginning to sink creates a noticeable improvement.

    – I’ve given up stressful ‘To Do’ lists in favour of ‘Done It’ lists. When depressed we under-estimate our productivity and effectiveness. Being able to see that you’ve accomplished some things (sometimes quite a lot of things) on horribly dark, low-energy days is a tremendous boost and keeps you motivated to do more.

    – At the moment I’m excited about some real ‘inside out’ thinking, that was prompted by reading Tim Ferriss’s book’The 4-Hour Work Week’. Okay, so it’s about entrepreneurship, but why not apply the thinking more broadly?

    Ferriss argues that it takes phenomenal effort to create a marginal improvement in our weaknesses, whilst that same degree of effort applied to building on our strengths moves us forward in leaps and bounds. However, we live in a society that pushes us very hard to ‘conquer’ our weaknesses; meanwhile we miss real opportunities to shine (which, of course, make us feel good). I’m trying to work out how I can move my life more in the direction of the things I’m naturally good at AND that I get pleasure and energy from, whilst using Ferriss’s formula for the things I’m not naturally good at and/or drain, stress or distress me. (Eliminate if possible: if you can’t eliminate, automate; if you can’t automate, outsource; if you can’t outsource, find the smartest way possible of doing it),

    This is proving interesting. For example, I love gardening and am good at it. I’ve always longed for a massive garden, with an orchard, a stream and a big vegetable plot. However, when I really think about it I have a love:hate relationship with my garden. When I’m not on top of the garden I get stressed and distressed. Likewise, if I’m depressed my energy levels are too low to do much gardening. Either way stops me getting pleasure from my garden, so I convince myself I’ve got 20 reasons I can’t get out there and start tackling it. A downward spiral. I now see the answer for me (at least until I’ve got more time on my hands) is to aim for a smaller garden, not a bigger one. Writing this makes me think of Melody’s posts about ‘going where the peace is’ and making material sacrifices to focus on the things she’s both naturally good at and loves ❤

    – Someone highly recommended ‘mood-mapping’ to me – http://www.moodmapping.com. This is a concept developed by a doctor called Liz Miller whose career fell to pieces because of her bipolar disorder. She is now fully recovered. Moodmapping doesn’t work especially well for me, but I gather it’s having great success rates for those with bipolar disorder or who are helping a loved one who suffers from bipolar disorder.

    Overall, I’ve arrived at these conclusions:

    – There is no one trigger for my depression and there is no one thing that helps me get out of it.

    – The less I pay attention to my own needs (because doing so feels selfish), the more prone I am to depression and the harder it is to get better. Super-self-care is not selfish; if I’m well and happy, so generally are my kids.

    – There are some brilliant doctors and therapists out there and some very poor ones, but even the best don’t know you as well as you know yourself. In addition, Western medicine is generally very narrow-minded and focuses far more on symptoms than causes.

    – Don’t give up or resign yourself to a life that is never going to get better. Testing out a wide range of things and seeing what works for the unique person you are pays dividends. Put your hands over your ears every time sometime tells you that something which isn’t working ‘should be’.

    – Like it or not, biological instinct drives people towards others who are happy, healthy, high-energy and hopeful. Some wonderful friends and family members will stick by you, but long-term depression doesn’t win friends and influence people. It’s not personal, but it’s a reason why so many of us have to struggle to try and disguise our depression from friends, neighbours and employers. Safe on-line spaces to share experiences and reach out are therefore priceless.

    – Each of us is the most complex piece of equipment we’ll ever be acquainted with and we’re a one-off model, but ironically we don’t come with a manual. Starting to piece together my own ‘missing manual’ is proving helpful beyond belief. Already I’ve been able to identify about 50 things that trigger or worsen my depression and an equal number that make me feel at least marginally better (and several things that make you feel marginally better all add up).

    IF ONLY ONE OF THESE SUGGESTIONS HELPS ONE BRAVE GIRL OR LOVED ONE, I’LL BE THRILLED.

    Melody, as part of your inspirational work, I’d really like to suggest a forum where BGs can post ideas, strategies, therapies and sources of information that have helped them with this hideous illness. I once spoke with an eminent physician who’d been through heart bypass surgery and major abdominal surgery. He said he’d rather go through both of them again together than experience another bout of the deep depression that descends on him every few years. Let’s share our knowledge.

    With loving thoughts to all those of you who are suffering, live with someone who is suffering, or live in fear of sinking into depression again. x

60. 

    Joanna Kelley on March 29, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Thank you all of you Brave Girls for sharing your stories. This helped me realize how grateful I am that I have been able to find help for my depression. It took over 15 years and it is an ongoing battle. If you are struggling with depression, please, please, please do not give up! Keep going, keep trying and keep shinning your light on this taboo subject.

    Wow! I am so moved by your courage. Each and every one of you is so extraordinary and deserving of a beautiful life. You are such Brave Girls! XOXOXOXO!!!!!

61. 

    Katherine on March 29, 2012 at 7:14 am

    How do you explain to someone that sometimes you just are barely holding on and getting through the day? They look at you with this hopeless expression like they really just don’t want to hear about it because they have no idea what to do with that information. They just don’t ‘get’ it. This is my husband. He loves me dearly but I know he doesn’t even want me to bring it up because he can’t fathom what I am going through and it makes him feel uncomfortable. Better not to talk about it. It almost hurts more than the depression itself. Almost like he doesn’t believe me. Or doesn’t care enough to want to figure it out. I’ve told him a couple of times that I have been having suicidal thoughts – so much so that I even called a suicide hotline one day but I think because he doesn’t ‘get’ it, I think he hopes that if he just ignores it, it will go away. It’s so painful knowing that the person you need the most is really just not equipped to handle this or even just show up when you most need them. It makes me want to rethink my marriage and wonder if that too may be part of the problem. I used to live out loud – without regrets, full forward, full of joy. Somehow that is gone and it all feels like it just doesn’t matter anymore. I read those earlier posts by women who say they have never felt happy and don’t know what that is. I almost envy them (and not to negate what they are going through by any means). I almost wish I didn’t know what it feels like to love fiercely, feel so much joy it radiates from my bones, to know what it feels like to touch the sky and realize that you are still standing on solid ground. To remember that happy child you were, the happy person people would come to just because of the inner joy you possessed. It’s so painful to remember that person and wonder where she went and somehow finding her has been a cruel game that you can’t seem to win. But everyone remembers her and so you try, try, try to still be her knowing you are faking every minute of it and wishing with all of your soul that you could just feel a glimpse of her for a moment because that would mean she still existed SOMEWHERE for you to find – BE – her again. Instead, life has been disappointment after disappointment and beaten that happy, joyous person down and how do you change that? How do recapture that sense of hope and joy in a world that has taught you otherwise? How do you forget all that you have seen and been through that taught you that it was all a big joke – that your life was just a waste of time because everything you’ve ever done was just not quite ‘enough’? Instead I pretend each day and just hope that I have done at least one thing of value – whether it’s as little as go for a run, make it look like I was productive so that when my husband gets home, he thinks that I making progress at running a successful business, or just trying to be kind to myself each moment as it comes even if I see nothing to be kind about because I can’t seem to function much beyond trying to numb the pain with mindless tasks. Someone who never owned a TV in her life now wastes most of her days watching mindless programs on the internet just get through each day – which then makes her despise herself even more. How do you stop feeling deeply? It’s too painful to remember that kind of joy and love and not seem to be able to find it again – living in a marriage with a husband who doesn’t know how to feel deeply – who lives on the surface of life and let’s it just happen. I’ve never just let life happen and now all I want is for it to end.

62. 

    Linda on March 29, 2012 at 7:35 am

    My brother in law took his life at the age of 46 just this past December. He had been depressed for quite some time. Thank you Melody for sharing this. I truly believe the truth sets us free. It’s not enough to admit the truth, you need to share it out loud.

63. 

    Sandra at Thistle Cove Farm on March 29, 2012 at 7:39 am

    God bless you, yours and the work of your hands and heart. Recently, on Sabbath Keeping, I believe, I posted this very same quote. I’ve got a depression story, decades old now, but my recent story is the death of Dave, my beloved husband. Grief is a journey on a roller coaster sans seat belt; all I can do is hang on and keep reminding God of His promises so I won’t forget.
    It is a risk to be open, honest, personal but when I stand before God, hopefully in the distant future, I don’t want Him to say, “I gave you such a Large Life, why did you choose to live small?”
    I simply live real, each and every day, so I can live with myself.

64. 

    Carole Huxel on March 29, 2012 at 8:07 am

    My 27 year old son suffers from psychosis and depression. He is adopted from foster care and he has a genetic predisposition towards mental health issues. We nearly lost him last year when he decided he didn’t want to take his medication anymore. People (and their families) who live with severe mental health problems are discriminated against every day, unemployment is rampant, and there is very little support. Programs are being cut, and the jails are crowded with “criminals” who are really just ill. It breaks my heart that my son has to live this way.

65. 

    audrey on March 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

    It is interesting to read that others “fake it”. So many people are surprised to find that I have depression…why, because I laugh and smile all the time. If “happy” is a 10, the best I can hope for is an 8. Luckily, a doctor recommended progesterone cream along with an anti-depressant and now I am at a constant 7. Some days are better and some are worse and there are days in which I stay in bed. I function, I take care of my family, go to school full-time, volunteer and love life, but being really happy is not part of who I am.
    I have a tremendous amount of faith in God and have a loving husband and because of that I have not felt suicidal in years. I, too, “have nothing to be depressed about”, but I am.
    It took YEARS for my husband to “get it”. He’s a fixer and kept trying to find ways to fix me without anti-depressants; which only made me angry and hurt. But, once he understood, I lost the anger.

66. 

    colleen mcginty on March 29, 2012 at 8:58 am

    I hate the heavy feelining my brain from depression, but I have learned to live with it, and thrive..on good days I create, draw, paint, exercise…on heavy days I look at other peoples work…and wait till the heavyness passes.
    peace & love

67. 

    Amanda S. on March 29, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Thanks for sharing what most prefer to sweep under the rug. If you suffer from depression you might as well have the plague as to how society views it. I have PTSD and social anxiety. I’ve been seeking help since I’ve been an adult but I can look back and see how even as a child I struggled with daily tasks that others breeze through. Therapy and medications have taken me only so far and the rest takes an act of God to perform simple tasks. I’ve gone through my, “It’s not fair!” moments too many times to count but I still have faith. Faith that one day I can lead a “normal” life and be in a stable relationship and share my hopes and dreams and have lasting friendships. One day…

68. 

    karen baker on March 29, 2012 at 9:39 am

    @ Katherine. I relate to so much of what you write. I read somewhere recently `’`It’s not the sad memories that twist the knife, it’s the happy ones.”

    I suspect that, hard though we may find it, having experience of former happiness is a good sign. It means we do know what it feels like and can sense when we’re edging back towards it.

    You and everyone else who has posted is in my thoughts x.

69. 

    anon on March 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I was one of those girls that was always happy. There was a smile on my face and I would do anything for anyone. In June of 2010, my boyfriend was killed in a car accident. This wasn’t just any boyfriend, this was the one I planned my life with. I had no idea how I was going to get thru it, but the day I really believed I would, was the day my dad died. That sent me downhill faster than anything I could imagine. For over a year, I would cry every day. At home, at work, in the car, people would avoid me at all cost. I finally went to the dr and was put on an antidepressant. That was 9 months ago. People keep telling me I’m happier than I’ve been in years, but I still don’t feel happy. I just keep waiting for the next thing to happen. I don’t expect anything from anyone because I know that there’s a pretty good chance they will disappear from my life. As long as I have that wall up to protect my heart, they can’t hurt me. I’m terrified of relationships. I’ve heard people say ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’ My response is always they die and that sends you spiraling into the darkest place you can imagine. My faith in God is what keeps me going, but I can’t help but wonder how much longer this is going to last. Will it ever end? What did I do to deserve all these tragedies in my life? I just keep waking up and hoping that one of these days, the smile on my face is going to be a real smile.

70. 

    Amanda @ Click. The Good News on March 29, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Thank you for your bravery & courage in sharing this story. It’s very personal to me & I’m learning to accommodate it every day.

71. 

    Lisa Michele on March 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Thank you for sharing such a personal story..your heart is huge and you inspire so many lives…
    Someone very special and close in my life has been suffering from depression…it is heart breaking on so many levels..I too thought people could just snap out of it ….it’s awful and needs to be spoken about more..
    So many people are suffering and need to know they are not alone in their hell…beautiful souls…those you have laughed with..and yearn to laugh with again…suffer and you want to help them with all your heart but you cannot ….I will be forwarding your post ….Thank you for spreading awareness, tolerance and grace!

72. 

    Julie on March 29, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    So here I am, sitting at Barnes & Noble trying to figure out what went wrong with my relationship with my fiance of 12yrs. About 4yrs ago he had an affair and I forgave him. He said he wanted to be with me and I believed him. Now I sit on Saturday and find out he has been having another one for the last 2 1/2 months. I am sitting here just alittle depressed and not sure how to deal with all this. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes. We start counceling in a couple weeks. I have asked him to prove to me that he has broke it off with her. I was so blind sided by this that everytime he moves his mouth I feel that he is lying to me now. I hate looking over him like a hawk but not sure what to do to make myself feel better. I have been looking at my Truth cards but not believing them to much right now. I am not sure why I felt the need to write on here, I think maybe just needed to vent to someone. I do not no anyone where I live and my friends would look down on my for trying again with him, but I feel that if you love something you need to not give up until you are for sure that you have done everything in your power to make it work.

73. 

    Heidi on March 29, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I needed this today, too. I keep thinking the black hole can’t get any deeper, but then it does. It is wonderful to hear about real people who have found their way out.

74. 

    Diana on March 29, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    thank you for posting it. That little birdie was wise and right. 🙂 So glad to hear all is better with you.

75. 

    Ray on March 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    It is very interesting to hear these comments. I had a close friend that went through several years of severe depression. Some time later my thyroid took a dive and I could somewhat relate to what she had gone through. People are so strange about anything considered mental illness. There is such stigma involved or just the opposite, people tell the depressed to just go get some pills and get over it. I have watched my friend and people I have worked with go through some horrible side effects and have to try quite a few things before anything did help. If your boss finds out you might be without a job, friends drop you, so much that surely does not help the situation. I think women especially fall into this depression rut because our systems go through so many chemical changes. Add to monthly periods motherhood and being up at all hours and women are just set up for it. It seems to hold true that sleep problems plays a part in this. Good wishes to everyone going through any degree of this. The only thing I might add is that if you are suffering, look to the spiritual.

76. 

    Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    I suffer from mild depression and have a sister that suffers from chronic depression. My sister has had it since she was a teenager. I just want you to know for some people (especially those with chronic depression) they my never make it through depression. It is a way for life that there isn’t another side to. Some medications might work for a while until your body gets used to them and then it’s on to find another medication that will help. I have watched my sister deal with it her whole life. It just never goes away and probably never will. Most people would be shocked to know she suffers from depression. She is very good at smiling and making herself go through the motions of life. We just have to keep trying and doing the best we can.

77. 

    Rebecca on March 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    May I recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. It is my bible. I hope it can help anyone. I have suffered from depression for over ten years and this book always seems to help me. I try to be as open as possible because most people are surprised to hear that as outgoing as I can be, I suffer from depression. That is wonderful that you are open, Melody, and I hope one day, too, that depression will lose its negative stigma.

78. 

    Darlene Ballard on March 29, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks Melody for sharing your heart with us … I have found God’s favorite color is “transparency.” Being real, processing my feelings and putting my thoughts on paper, and sharing my heart openly with someone I can trust have helped me greatly! Yesterday, I found out my mother has cancer … but I’m determined to stay in the sunlight no matter what. I am choosing to keep a thankful heart and reach out to others instead of focusing on myself … Another thing I’ve learned is that sometimes stories don’t always have happy endings … but God is still faithful to us and loves us. Sometimes we can’t control another’s behavior … we truly have to let go and allow them to make their own choices …

79. 

    kara f. on March 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    I am not my depression struggles…. (: ever since my first post-partum zone…depression has been near to me….it is a dark, blah, hopeless, heavy place….through counseling, meds, walking, eating to support my body, crying out to kindred spirits, I am still walking forward…day by day and some spurts- where depression is on me- it is minute by minute….I have named the time where I’m falling into the dark place as ‘going under’. ):
    and each time I finally climb back out….I so grateful to be free of it. I am careful who I share my depression struggles with- as so many want to ‘fix me’….but I have learned that finding kindreds that want to really know me and hear me helps me climb on outta the dark hole.
    other bravegirls- know you are not alone! not ever alone….you are not your depression….you were meant shine….you are strong and amazing. I want so to be free of it- but that has not been a part of my journey so far. (: yet I can do things to support myself as I feel like I’m sinking….ahhhhhh- sending love to my fellow depression survivors.

80. 

    kara f. on March 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    oh!!!!! I forgot one very- special piece of my walking forward- creating things- (: art….has brought me steadiness and freedom and joy….something I’ve learned in the last year….something I had no idea would lift me up and heal me up too. thanks for listening in- (:

81. 

    Dyanna on March 29, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    (((((this could not have come at a better time….thank you thank you thank you)))))))

82. 

    mary on March 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    I have been suffering with depression of varying sorts for over 6 years now. I am not ashamed of it or feel it makes me weak. But I do feel that there is a stigma attached to it. I am getting the help I need and have found an amazing therapist. I am slowly finding myself again. My husband is also fighting depression as he has been battling cancer for 9+ years. He refuses to acknowledge it though & refuses to get any sort of help. I have seen what it’s doing to him but he won’t realize he needs help. He thinks it is just part of the “cancer” thing.

    It so helps me to read others’ stories of hope and courage and know I am not alone out here. I love my husband dearly, but he is also one of those people who tells me to “dig down deep” or “buck up” or “just get over this”. Or to tell me I have nothing to be depressed about. But it’s okay for him to be depressed because he has had cancer. I would never tell him to “just get over it” or “dig down deep”. I can only help him so much though.

    This post is so needed today. Thank you for sharing your most intimate life with us.

83. 

    No Joy on March 29, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    I think I have always been a depressed or less-than-happy person. In the best of times, I’m mellow, not excitable, and even-keel. In the worst of times, I’m apathetic and take no joy in anything.

    But I want to feel that passion… I want to feel that “I’m flying” feeling… I took SR1 and SR2 and didn’t make it through. “1001 ways of enthusiasm” one of my grade school teachers wrote on my report card. Ever since then (and I’m in my 40’s) I’ve just been searching for one. One way to BE enthusiastic.

    This year so far has been awful. AND THERE IS NO REASON. Someone here said her husband said to her, “what do you have to be depressed about?” I tell myself that daily… sometimes multiple times a day. I have no reason to be depressed. My life, aside from normal ups and downs and family drama, is decent. I have a roof over my head, plenty of food and clothing, a job (or three) to keep my head above water. The basics are all there. Why can’t I let the girl inside of me out… the one how wants to dance in the rain and wear colorful, flowing clothing and make art even though she isn’t artistic? I feel so stifled and trapped.

    It’s been really bad this month. I have put 100% of my energy into getting through each day and doing what I must do, and nothing more. I can’t say anything nice to myself inside my head. I can’t force myself to be happy (but I am that person smiling out the outside and reaching out to help others)… and I’m so, so tired of even trying. I take vitamins and supplements to try and “lift my spirits”. Vitamin D helps a lot, but even it hasn’t combated the blackness I’ve felt this month.

    I’m going to my primary physician in a couple of weeks. I hope I’m brave enough to talk to her about depression. I don’t want meds, though. I just want it to be gone. I took meds once and it made things worse (different, but worse). I don’t want to go through that crazy psycho coaster ride again.

    Thank you, Melody, for this post. It called to me when I opened my email tonight and saw the link. So it probably was meant (a little) for me… I hope it helps give me courage to talk to my doctor and figure something out. I’m so tired of not feeling happy.

    That’s all I want. To be happy. Is that really too much to ask? Feels like.

84. 

    Sheila Jones on March 29, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Dear Melody,

    My fave part of you is your authenticity! You are brave, you have been brave and who better to teach brave!! Your Soul Restoration Workshop I has completely opened my soul to: Time is Life, not money, homes, what other people think… and I have never felt more alive, content in my soul with who I am and brave.

    Thank you for being real, honest and open, knowing we walk this world with others who have struggled is awakening and healing in this world of “virtual perfection”.

    I am thankful to have my life back, I didn’t even know I was missing it, until I started sprucin’ up the place. 🙂 Love, Hugs and Truth, Sheila

85. 

    Adalyne G on March 29, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Thank You is the only thing that I can say. I myself have suffered with depression and severe anxiety for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately recently, I have been diagnosed with PTSD as well after living in an abusive marriage for 4 years. I hate talking about it because I was taught and programmed to believe that I’m a freak. It’s so hard to talk about these things when you are afraid of scaring away the very few people that actually seem to like you.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I know that several other women have benefitted from your post and could probably echo the same words but – when you said that you felt strongly about sharing this today … I felt that it was for me and I can’t tell you what that means to me.

    Thank you for all that you do and all the hope that you inspire. This website has saved me on more than one occasion. Sometimes it is the only light in a really dark day. My love, gratitude, and prayers of thanks for you and your husband for inspiring that hope in me.

86. 

    anon on March 29, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    Thank you SO, SO much for this post. I am new to the Brave Girls. I saw the picture of you and your husband and immediately thought of how perfect your life must be, but as one of the comments said, everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.

    I have been fighting depression for about 15 years and have also been diagnosed with bi-polar. I have been on and off various medications and it has usually been when I have gone off medications (against the advice of a dr.) as well as post-partum depression that have been the worst periods.

    My husband suffers from depression as well and so it is a struggle for us as we work together. I know we both wish we didn’t have to put the other through the effects of the disease.

    My main reason for commenting is to THANK YOU for sharing your story. I hate the stigma involved with mental illness and the more people that share their stories the better. It is VERY helpful for me to know that others are fighting this same illness and making it through each day. I am so glad I read your post and will share it so others can understand better some of the details of this disease.

    Also, I totally relate to the “you have nothing to be depressed about” comment. Glad others have heard that one too :).

87. 

    Emily on March 29, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    Thank you for posting this Melody. And thanks to everyone for sharing such private and difficult stories. This is literally the first time I have ever responded to any blog post ever. But my own little birdie just wouldn’t shut it’s pie hole. 🙂

    I spent an hour on the phone tonight with my best friend of 15 years. I have been struggling with a lot of tough emotions the last several weeks and really needed to go ahead and say it out loud: I am depressed. Things are tough right now, and it is particularly frustrating this go around because nothing is “wrong”. I am 34 years old and have been living with bipolar II for about twenty years. Unfortunately took doctors about 15 years to figure out the real issue. Since then my life has changed DRAMATICALLY. I still battle ups and downs – mainly downs. But even at the darket of darks – suicidal thoughts and all – I have faith that it will pass and I can ride it out. Not “get over it”. Get through it. If I eat what i am supposed to, take my medicine, sleep when I am supposed to sleep, exercise when I can motivate myself, and be brave to reach out and say it, it passes. Sometimes it’s days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. And in those hellacious early days, it took years.

    I am sharing this with the hope that especially for those of you who battle through this over and over that it CAN get better. I promise. I spent half the night crying, but hearing your stories and feeling the love that we all have for eah other gives me hope. Please hold on to that. For this around you who can’t understand it might help totell them what you need. It is almost impossible for someone who has not experience depression to understand. Find someone who has been there to talk to about it. Figure out what you need to be supported and tell the people who love you in the most tangible terms possible WHAT YOU NEED. I need you to listen. I need you to be kind. I need you to cook dinner. I need you to distract me. I need you to hold me. I need you to love me. I need you to ride this out with me. I need you stop trying to fix it and just meet me where it hurts. I need you to help me write a list of things iam blessed with for which I am grateful.

    Sometimes we get so deep into that dark cave that we don’t even know we are depressed until the lamp burns out and we can’t find out way home. Try to find someone who’ll notice when you first get to thie entrance of the cave. The blinders are fierce. Objective prerspective can save.you a world of pain.

    Ok, that is the end of my soap box speech. I am honestly going to go cry for a little while more, grieving some things that my illness has robbed of. Then am I going to pray for each and everyone of you. And.I am going to try to come up with a few things to be grateful for. And.in the morning I am going to start fresh, knowing that today is a distant memory.

    Again, thank you all for your bravery in telling your stories. If you want a little chuckle imagine my church pastor accidentally mentioning that she is in therapy…in the middle of a sermon. Nothing like one ofGod’s own lighting the way teaching us that we have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of smelled to be proud of as we soldier on!

    Much love,
    Emily

88. 

    Linda Goodwin on March 29, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Thank you for your posting, Melody, and also to everyone else who has written in. And Karen Baker, you wrote an amazingly well-organized, lovely and helpful piece! Thank you for posting it. This all helps.

89. 

    Emily on March 29, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    Ok. I also hate autocorrect. Holy smokes at my typos! Oopsy….hope you can decipher the gibberish! 🙂

90. 

    Deb on March 30, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Thank you Melody from the bottom of my heart and soul sincerely, for posting this. I can barely type thru all my tears.. OMG! Blessings of pure Love and Light!

91. 

    Christina on March 30, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Melody,
    Words cannot express how much it means that you are willing to share your story. I don’t know if you received my email, but I would like to nominate you to do a TED talk. I think you are so very brave and I think you can teach the world to be brave too, more compassionate, gentle, kind, loving, merciful. I respect you and your work so very much. If anyone else who reads this comment thinks Melody should be a speaker for TED, leave a reply or send her some encouragement. I am making it a goal to go to Brave Girls Camp soon.
    Love ya Melody

92. 

    Christina on March 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    By the way, my blog pretty much tells my story….a recent post tells the story of the shame that I have lived with for years.

93. 

    Melissa on March 30, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    My 16 yr old daughter battles depression and I feel like it is a battle for our entire family. We almost lost her just before Christmas when she became suicidal. It has been so hard, because it feels like a very personal battle. If one of my family members was fighting cancer I think it would be a different situation. Pair that with the fact that our community has one of the highest suicide rates in the country, and the smallest support system (therapists, etc.) The closest mental health facility to us is 3 plus hours away and the only way to have my daughter admitted there was to send her in handcuffs in a police car because they don’t have the capacity to transfer patients in any other manner. Can you imagine the heartache of having to watch your child, your very sad, alone child being loaded into a cop car?? In order to keep her safe and alive? But a heart attack victim gets a quick ride in a helicopter to appropriate medical care.
    We are on the other side now, having made it thru but it is still a day to day situation, and I don’t take anything, especially her mental health, for granted. We started your on-line class together,, Brave mothers and daughters. But as you know, depression can affect one’s ability to see things thru to completion. I still have hopes that we will eventually finish it.

94. 

    K on March 30, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Thank you for sharing this! I have been battling Depression for probably a quarter of my life or so. The early years, when I was a teenager, were so hard to get through. There were days when I didn’t think I was going to make it. I thought I might be depressed but couldn’t tell. Sadly, my family was not much help either. My mom doesn’t understand Depression, she tries but she just doesn’t understand how you can’t just “snap out of it.” So those early years were rough. I was too scared to talk to anyone, too scared I would be judged or scolded or banished. I finally went to the school counselors in college to get diagnosed. I have been in counseling off and on ever since. The last few years I have finally been making some progress. I have learned to recognize when it is “the Depression talking” and accept, address the thoughts as such. The first few years, honestly the only thing that saved me was my cat. He always seemed to know when I was at the desperate moment and would appear out of nowhere to comfort me. Well, my cat and my own strength.

    For years I was terrified to tell anyone I was Depressed, because I was afraid they wouldn’t understand or they would judge me. Then I told one person, then two people, and to my utter astonishment they were so supportive. They acted like it was no big deal, which was so wonderful for me. I am selective about who I tell, not everyone needs to know, nor should everyone know, about my medical issues, but I am not as ashamed as I once was.

    Last year I had to watch a friend be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts twice. It was a horrible experience, and I can only imagine how awful it was for her. Things are better now and with luck and a bit of strength will continue to improve. Love to everyone else out there going through this hard battle! You are not alone.

95. 

    Lola B on March 30, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    My husband divorced me after 29 years of marriage; I’d had depression for years mostly after having his 2 kids and having Graves’ Disease, hyperthyroidism and an array of other disorders the medical professionals couldn’t get a handle on. He never took interest in my well being, so I’m thrilled you took an interest in your spouse’s. I had to move from our home and where I’d lived for 29 years. I lost all of my friends, and both children, all influenced by him. He boxed up my life and had it stored for me to retrieve.
    I am so depressed right now, having a very difficult to get out of bed and function in a halfway normal fashion. I stayed home to raise our children and promote his business, not knowing I’d find myself needing to be employed at 57 years of age. With the economy being down, it’s not likely I’ll be hired when people are being laid off.
    It wouldn’t be so bad if I had friends or someone who took an interest in my life, but I’m pretty sure I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. The sadness and loneliness are loud and overwhelming, very difficult to deal with and I’m not sure what keeps me going. I would love to go to sleep one night and not wake up.

    • 

      melody on March 30, 2012 at 8:48 pm

      Lola…I hope you are making sure to get help from a medical professional concerning your depression. You are worth that. Sometimes when there are so many other medical issues, the depression gets overlooked. When the despair gets deep enough, you really need help supporting your body to heal back to wholeness. Please know that you are not alone, sweet soul. Please know there are others here who are rooting for you and praying for you. You are so very loved here. xoxo

96. 

    Linda K on March 30, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    Bi-polar manic depression runs in my family. My Mother, younger sister, her daughter, my brother, 2 of his daughters all have it. I am concerned my son may have it. I have a touch of it, but can manage it pretty well by keeping busy every day, whether I feel like it or not. On days I don’t feel like facing the world, I make myself get dresses (in nice clothes) and do one thing constructive. It isn’t easy, but it helps.

    I have cared for my Mother and watched how she has suffered. She went through some very dark times, and we nearly lost her 2 times that I know of. My sister attempted suicide twice last summer. A very sad part of their disease and trying to just stop the pain. I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to see these loved ones suffer so. Things that have helped are to be there even when they are at their worst. They will remember you were there and your bonds will be stronger. Let them know they are loved, no matter what.

    My Mother has recently had her medications changed and has found a perfect match for her imbalance. This is key, as depression of this sort is all about chemical imbalances in the brain. My Mother is so much better than I can remember seeing her. She can now smile, sing, tell jokes and calls me from time to time, all things she couldn’t do for a very
    long time. I am so glad to have her back.

    There is hope. I urge anyone who has depression, or knows someone dear who suffers, to get professional help. Try to find a doctor that you find comfortable working with. be patient and don’t give up!

97. 

    Michelle on March 30, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Thank you Melody, keep us posted, please! Thank you Karen Baker for all of your great info also! I saw a few good reads that you listed. Thank you sooo much! <3

98. 

    Debra Masters on March 30, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    I am battling depression. I have off and on all my life, but this time, I’ve slipped a little further…

99. 

    Kara on March 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    I have been diagnosed with depression for several years, my aunt took her life last year, in honor of her I wrote a 2 week series on depress/suicide here is the link if anyone is interested http://www.muddqueen.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-comes-to-your-mind.html
    there is also a link to my depression blog. My heart and prayers go to all of you who suffer and who love someone who suffers!

100. 

     A on March 31, 2012 at 7:55 am

     (((((Melody))))) Hugs to you for over coming so much! I am a wife that deals with a husband who is Bi-Polar but slef medicates with alcohol and the only thing I can do is “love for the sake of loving.” Thank You for listening to that little birdie so that all these people can share that feel so alone. I sometimes feel alone. Knowing that there is at least one other person dealing with this has helped so much! All my love to all of you Brave Girls who are suffering or dealing with someone who is suffering. You truly are so very loved!

101. 

     Tanya on March 31, 2012 at 8:14 am

     Melody,
     It’s obvious by the number of posts so far, that depression is very much out there. It makes me sad to read some of these and to think there are people suffering out there, alone. All I can do is share that I am also rooting for you!
     I am also a sufferer. Right now, I’m good, very good. My experience started right after I got married. I quit my long time job (I had some kind of meltdown) and couldn’t find another job that suited me. But I couldn’t find one because I was a mess. I mean, who cries in their bosses office the second day on the job???
     I really don’t like to talk about my downfall into depression, because it was a dark, dark place. Fortunately, medication was the answer for me. After medication, I was able to even out again and get a job, that I would love and stay with for a long time. I was put back on medication after my second child was born, but for anxiety. Anxiety is still a real problem for me. Having my 3 kids definitely does not make it easier. But being mom has helped me in other ways to grow.
     My poor, new, husband was there for me during this whole experience. He always has been. He never gave up on me. He never treated my depression as something I could just snap out of. He took it seriously- he made the call to get me to the doctor.
     I know I walk a fine line of falling back into that place, which scares me. I feel like I have to work at this everyday.
     Hugs to all of you that have posted, thinking about posting, or are not ready to talk. <3

102. 

     Tanna Martin on March 31, 2012 at 10:01 am

     Melody, thank you so much for speaking your words; words of authenticity, Truth, and grace…. My story has felt SO long, SO arduous, SO alone as my husband has been a sufferer of depression. I wish that I had loved as unconditionally as you, I regret that I lost hope, that I felt alone and so lost being a “single” mom to our precious Lucky 7. God has been faithful even when I was not, or when I felt lost and John felt lost in the hopelessness that depression whispers. I thank God that He is merciful and has been even faithful as we lock arms and walk this journey out together; John and I. I want to love better, more unconditionally, with a servants heart. I want to glean from other spouses who have walked this journey in love alongside their spouse. Amazing to me that my 2 girlfriends mentioned this blog (as we are partners in the Soul Restoration!) > I hadn’t seen it yet! xoxo

103. 

     karen baker on March 31, 2012 at 11:29 am

     ‘UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN’ – IS DEPRESSION THE NEW LEPROSY?

     @Michelle and @Linda Goodwin – thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot as my energy levels have been very low this week and I was inclined just to read rather than to post, but the impact of other people’s stories made me want to share anything I could about this taboo subject. Since posting, I’ve looked through the notes I’ve been making on my personal quest and found a few more ideas that may be of help:

     – If your depression is linked with exhaustion and weight gain do check out http://www.chromiumconnection.com. There is mounting evidence that some people gain extremely quick relief from longstanding depression by taking the inexpensive mineral supplement chromium picolinate (including people who have tested negatively for an underactive thyroid). The more cynical among you will not be surprised by the fact that the drug companies are not at all keen on this finding being promoted.

     -@Anon (posted 29/3). I’m in a similar place to you – very scared of losing people after a series of bereavements and nursing my son through a life-threatening illness that could recur any time. When people say ‘lightning never strikes twice’ or ‘things can only get better’ I want to scream at them. I am trying to hold onto hope and can only send you {{{{hugs}}}}.

     – @No Joy and @ Amanda A (and everyone else who has posted that they can’t ever remember a time when they felt happy) – I felt so much for you reading your stories. I have had very happy times in my life, but I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager and it wasn’t until I experienced my first episode of major depression in my 30s that I realised I had been depressed whilst growing up. I’ve since found heaps of research that if you grow up in a home with depressed parents or siblings you may well subconsciously ‘learn’ depressed thinking styles. I can see this in my own life, as my father suffered numerous breakdowns, which we were taught were shameful and must be hidden at all costs. My parents were good in many ways and went to great lengths to ensure we wanted for nothing materially, but the atmosphere at home was always tense and unhappy. So if you are depressed for ‘no reason’, this might or might not provide you with some answers. Finding the right therapist is so important as some understand and can be immensely helpful, whilst some don’t. I think it also explains why loved ones can be on a relentless quest for the magic bullet that will make you better. If you’ve grown up in a ‘depressed’ home, depression feels awful, but it also feels oddly normal. I suppose the opposite must be true – if you’re not depressed and have never lived in a depressed environment, it must be utterly bewildering. @Zura – your comment made me cry “I suffer from depression and my husband says he feels like he’s standing in a huge field that’s on fire and he has only a glass of water to try and put it out.” I know this is how my lovely 16 year old daughter feels when I hit rock bottom and I hate, hate, hate that she has to go through it.

     So, as well as possibly having a genetic element, depression can be subtly contagious. Perhaps this explains why depression is treated like 21st century leprosy? Asking someone for help can feel risky as there is the possibility they may make sympathetic noises and then gradually withdraw or write you off, causing you to sink lower and lower. There are circumstances where you might as well put a bell round your neck and call out ‘unclean’, ‘unclean’.

     The World Health Organisation predicts that by 2020 depression will be the second largest cause of death across the world and there is plenty to suggest it’s linked to our frenetic and materialistic western lifestyle. Whilst debate rages about the reason why so little research is dedicated to the increase in depression, trying to find our way out of our personal dark and terrifying maze is the only real option, particularly for those of us who respond poorly or not at all to antidepressants.

     @Darlene Ballard – I love your comment that God’s favourite colour is transparency. I agree with you totally. Being smacked as a child for revealing to a neighbour that “Daddy was crying again today” only added to the fear and confusion and I have tried to be open and honest with my own children and loved ones.

     @Kara F – I too have found doing creative things really helpful, but I have to be able to reach a certain energy level after meeting my work and family commitments to get into these. The exhaustion is one of the worst and most debilitating aspects of depression for me and if anyone has any tips about overcoming this I would be so grateful. (But please not exercise; that’s great when I’m moderately okay, but Herculean when I’m really ill).

     Finally, I’m haunted by the fact that for every person who’s posted here there are probably ten who are too depressed to post and twenty who are too depressed to even switch on their computer and read Melody’s blog. Sending a special prayer to all of you wherever you are. x

104. 

     Melissa Cadle on March 31, 2012 at 12:03 pm

     I am 34 years old and don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I had severe depression before my long time with anorexia that would easily have taken my life if I had not got the quick help I did. And I had depression after anorexia. Refractory depression, my psychiatrist calls it. It is constant. It is hard. I have to hide it. I have to hide how it takes everything in me to get out of bed. And most days I don’t get dressed. I don’t know what the answer is. Only that your story is so many people’s story and it’s harder than hard. Thanks for your post!!!

105. 

     Brenda on March 31, 2012 at 6:59 pm

     I have struggled with depression most of my life, growing up in an alcoholic home, then staying with an absusive husband for many years. But God lead me to become a nurse and that carreer helped me to start a new life and find a wonderful new husband…unfortunately, depression won’t release it’s grip on me. After years in a very stressful supervision job, I nearly had a breakdown and left the hospital for a clinic job. I feel like a shell of my former self. My anxiety tolerance level is nearly non- existant. I barely have any energy to help at home, my husband has to do most of it. And I am already on medication! I don’t want this to be how my children remember me.

106. 

     Lorraine on April 1, 2012 at 4:09 am

     Thanks, Melody. Every time someone talks openly about depression or any other mental illness, I think it helps everyone–those with the illness, those who love someone with it, and even those whose life it hasn’t touched (yet). Erasing the stigma is so important; it’s bad enough to have the illness, but to be ostracized, ridiculed, and discriminated against because of it adds to our pain.
     I’ve tried to write this comment a couple of times, but I find myself going on and on. I’ll try to stay off my soap box and make this manageable.
     First, I want to offer a couple of web sites and organizations as resources. I’m not affiliated with any of them and can’t say one way or the other if they’d be helpful for any one person. It’s just good to know that these resources exist to help.
     — NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, “NAMI focuses on support, education, research and advocacy to help individuals and families affected by mental illness.” http://www.nami.org/
     — Bring Change 2 Mind, “Working together to erase the stigma and discrimination of mental illness.” http://www.bringchange2mind.org/
     — No Kidding, Me Too, “. . .a 501(c)(3) public charity, whose purpose is to remove the stigma attached to brain dis-ease (BD) through education and the breaking down of societal barriers. Our goal is to empower those with BD to admit their illness, seek treatment, and become even greater members of society.” http://nkm2.org/
     I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones I know about off the top of my head.
     My story goes back to 1970. At least that’s when my bipolar 2 first manifested itself. I was 24 with a husband and 2 little kids, and I tried to kill myself. I then started seeing a psychiatrist for meds and therapy. Upon his recommendation I had shock treatments and had my tubes tied. The doctor’s opinion was that raising two children was too much for me. He came right out and said I shouldn’t have been a mother. You can imagine what that did for my self-esteem and confidence.
     Fast forward to 1993. Despite medication and therapy, I had attempted suicide two more times since that first incident. I had been married to my third husband for two years, and all of a sudden I started discovering repressed memories of childhood incest at the hands of both my parents from the ages of 3 to 13. That was truly a nightmarish time. But it explained so many things about me: my rotten self-image, my emotions, and my actions. I think the incest got my brain chemistry all messed up as well as implanting all sorts of negative messages about myself.
     My last suicide attempt was in 1996. At least, I hope I never get that far into the darkness again. I think that pervading sense of hopelessness could be the worst thing that can happen to someone. At least, it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me, and I’ve given a baby up for adoption, been divorced three times, and had a mastectomy from breast cancer at age 28. None of those things made me want to die or made me feel that my life would always be bleak and painful like depression did.
     As I said, I’ve learned that when a person has clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or any mental illness, it’s a result of a chemical imbalance in their brain. When someone tells them they have nothing to be depressed about, that person isn’t knowledgeable about the disease. I believe that they’re thinking of the sadness we feel when something bad happens. My first husband would come home from work sometimes and find me hiding under the covers, having been in bed all day. He’d ask me what was wrong. I didn’t have any answer. It was like nothing was wrong and everything was wrong. My current husband understands, after being willing to learn about brain diseases, that if I do attempt suicide again (or even succeed) there’s nothing he could have done to prevent it. In other words, it wouldn’t be his fault. I marvel at his acceptance and ability to still love me in spite of my mood swings. In addition to the depression, I have manic swings that come out as rage. I’ve destroyed furniture and pulled curtain rods off the wall, among other destructive acts. I don’t know if I could live with me, given a choice. Those of you who love a depressed or bipolar person have my greatest admiration and support.
     My suicide attempts aren’t my fault, either, because I can’t help that I have this illness. It would, however, be my fault if I get suicidal because I’m not taking my meds or using the skills I’ve learned in 40 years of therapy (not with that original doctor, thank goodness).
     One of the best things I’ve learned is to remind myself that when I feel depressed it’s the disease making me feel that way. My life is no different from how it is when I’m content; it’s just the brain chemicals going wacky for a little while. If it gets really bad, I have a “Get Me Out of the Pits” box full of things that I put there when I was feeling good. There are a couple of my favorite funny movies, a note to show my husband asking for things from him that I can’t put into words when I’m in the pit, some music cd’s, and other things that help. Usually by the time I’m half-way though the first movie, the laughter has brought my brain chemicals back to where they should be.
     I know that I’ll have bipolar 2 for the rest of my life. I’m 65 now and I’ve had it for 62 years. I can’t picture it leaving me alone to let me totally enjoy my “golden years”. It’s just a part of my life and I’ve accepted that. I hate it, but I accept it. I never hesitate to talk about it to anyone who is interested. Being open about it may help someone else, and it helps get rid of the shame and stigma which should never have been there in the first place.
     Big hugs and thanks to Melody and everyone who has opened up and shared their story here. Yayy for all brave girls!!!

107. 

     Delight on April 2, 2012 at 10:58 pm

     Dear Melody,
     I wasn’t sure I would post or not but then I thought if I were a Brave Girl I would. I come from the era we don’t talk about depression so I really don’t talk about it. My husband has no inkling of what goes on in my mind. I have suffered from depression many numerous times and come out for awhile, then something happens. Right now I am trying to recover from a accident last October being a pedestian when a unoccupied truck rolled down the hill and hit me. I have multiple fractures in my leg and wounds. I sometimes wonder why I didn’t die or I should of died because things would be so much better for everyone around me. I still am unable to walk, work, drive, just about any normal thing that everyone does I cannot. I have to depend on others and to recieve is the most hardest thing to do. Day 1, I was much better than I am now. They have doubled my meds and I am still depressed. I do see a therapist but I cannot see that I should be happy just being on this planet. I am trying to live in the momment but it is so hard as all of you know. I have a friend that forwarded this Brave Girl to me and I save all my daily letters. Sometimes I am a Brave Girl and most times I am not. But I will continue to get help and keep reading my Brave Girls. Thanks so much for being there everyday.

108. 

     Cherie on April 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

     Thanks for your post on depression. I hated being on medication. I thought it meant I was broken, and I didn’t want to be broken. My doctor finally convinced me that my resistance was like a diabetic thinking that she could just not take insulin. I was missing chemicals that my body wasn’t producing and I needed help. I also needed emotional help. There were things going on in my marriage that I didn’t understand (my husband was a sex addict and I didn’t know it). I’ve read that depression is a clue that we need to change something in our life. Maybe we just need to get on medication, or maybe we need to look at what is wrong in our relationships. 18 years later I am getting more well all the time. Medication and 12 step programs are helping me find peace and strength. Thank you for your class and blog, I am learning more about myself every day.

109. 

     Rachel on April 3, 2012 at 9:45 am

     “that it won’t be judged as a character weakness or punishment from God or all of the other mean judgments that can easily be made about depression.”

     ^^that! let’s be honest, we should really replace “depression” with “mental illness” since all mental illness is anathema in our culture. i was diagnosed with bipolar type II 4 years ago after suffering depression off and on for most of my life. the last four years have, for the most part, been about surviving moment by moment trying not to kill myself. i can’t even begin to describe how exhausting and brutal that is.

     thankfully, the past 6 months or so have been a big improvement. finally, i have accepted that i HAVE to be in therapy to learn how to cope with this illness. and guess what, it’s working!

     but, the worst part is the stigma. i am single and i have felt totally abandoned by my friends. i almost lost a job because of bigotry. and i have to listen to ignorant people everyday that don’t realize i have a mental illness make asinine comments about how mental illness is just as excuse, etc.

     let’s start a revolution and love one another. really listen to one another. reach out to one another. don’t let people just drop out of your life! pursue them! don’t offer advice, just offer love and support. every time you are tempted to say something to make it better, say “i love you and what can i do to help?” instead.

     my blog deals with my mental illness and being a christian, if anyone wants to check it out.

110. 

     Rachel on April 3, 2012 at 9:53 am

     @Delight: please hang in there! please! it is a dangerous sign to think that it would be better if you weren’t around. please be sure your doctor and therapist know you are feeling this way!

     and: IT. IS. A. LIE! there are more people than you know that love you and would miss you every day if you were gone. DEPRESSION IS A LIAR! you are valuable.

     i know that feeling of “why would i want to live in this world where so many bad things happen, nothing good happens to me” etc. please hang in there. you have to relearn how to think, and you need help to do that. that’s what i’m working on with my counselor, and it is helping!

     hang in there.

111. 

     Rachel on April 3, 2012 at 9:56 am

     Loraine: you are my hero! you go, brave girl!

112. 

     Holly Rose on April 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

     Feeling confused and angry at life I climbed the mountain. I took big strides and deep breaths trying to let all of my frustrations out. I was angry and mad that God cursed my husband with depression. I was angry and mad that I was codependent and always having to make it better. I was angry at myself for my enabling actions that imprisoned my husband to depression. I told myself to be strong. I told myself, “Have courage. Have courage to change.”

     If I wanted my life to be different then I needed to do something different. Change doesn’t come from doing the same thing. So why was I repeating my actions again and again? Why was always trying to make it better? Why was I passively waiting for someone else to make it all better?

     As I marched up the mountain I recalled what I wrote a few years ago in my book, “Live and Give: Facebooking My Way Through Breast Cancer,” I wrote, “We all have mountains in our life. I believe they are all meant for climbing. Maybe we all need the mountains and their eruptions, to fully appreciate our lives and the people in them. The mountains added meaning to my life and I believe it added meaning to others as well.” Angrily, I thought, “What a bunch of crap! I don’t want to keep climbing these mountains. I’m ready for life to be easy again. Damn it!”

     And then I stopped myself, and I looked around and took in the beautiful landscape right before me, including those damn mountains. I love the mountains. I realized then I needed to make a change. No one else could move the mountains for me. And God was going to keep the mountains coming. It was up to me. If I wanted change in my life, I needed to change. I could choose to climb another mountain, take a different path, go at different speeds or simply stop and take a breath and change my outlook.

     My stride quickened as I filled myself with positive thoughts. I will make myself happy in my life. I will choose to be happy. I will choose to do those things that make me happy. Those around me can choose to be happy with me, but it’s not up to me to make everyone else happy. They all have their own road to climb.

     I reached the top feeling almost a bit arrogant. I paused to look at the city in its entirety. I scanned across the valley and came upon a huge dust devil off in the distance. I thought, “Who would go towards the tornado? Why would you go towards something dangerous and destructive? Not me. I’m heading the other way.” Boastfully, I turned the other direction, thinking, “See! I can choose another path.” And then what did I see, but another tornado off in the distance.

     I had to laugh out loud at God’s sense of humor. I wasn’t asking for God to answer my question, but he thought I needed a little bit of advice anyway. “The grass is not always greener on the other side.” It brought a happy tear to my eye. God gently shook me waking me up.” Sometimes the terrain will get rugged on the mountains and every once in while you might even encounter a little dust devil bringing in a little flurry to the path, but the journey there will always be remembered as one of beauty and accomplishment and in the end treasured.

     I sat down at the top of that mountain, legs crossed, arms out, and my eyes closed and inhaled life. The breeze flew over me, taking with it my negativity. I felt alive and I felt happy. I realized I could only be responsible for making myself happy. It was not my job to make others happy. Not that I don’t’ enjoy adding joy to someone’s life. I’m just not in charge of anyone’s world. I will choose to be responsible for myself. And I will choose NOT to be responsible for those who can take on their own responsibility. Because, if I take it on, I’m stealing their chance to catch the beauty of life in all of the mountains surrounding them. And really, I want them to share in the beauty of it all with me. And yes I will keep climbing the mountain every day. Why? Because I love to and it makes me happy, dust devils and all!

113. 

     Jess on April 4, 2012 at 6:55 am

     I struggle with depression and anxiety too. Since I’ve gotten married, three years ago, I’ve come to feel badly about being on medicine that helps me maintain a healthy equilibrium. My husband says it’s good to feel emotions, but when the emotions do feel good, then is it really good? He’ll sit up with me through a rough night, but because we’re trying for children and the expense is considerable, I’ve gone off my helpful medicine. And, I’ve adopted a mindset that I am weak to want to go back on them. That I should be able to power through this. I’ve got the love of my husband and family, right? And yet the struggle nearly swallows me.

     We are trying for children, which complicates the matter, and since we’ve been trying for more than two years, with some fertility treatment, but mostly without, I’ve got yet another area of disappointment and my own perceptions of personal failure.

     We relocated away from the best therapist a girl could ever have. For me, it really did help to have an unbiased third-party as a sounding board. I know my husband loves me, but sometimes it’s that person who’s not in the thick of it with you, who can prompt you to the most, best insight into your self. It was like a mirror who listened, but talked back in the most helpful of ways.

     Anyway….this isn’t a prize composition, as I seem to ramble without purpose, but here thye are…my recommended take aways:
     1) Admit your struggle, which is huge for me, as I judge myself for feeling bad when life is truly good, so I isolate myself for fear my sadness will show, which then deepens my sadness;
     2) Get help. Get help that won’t weaken your marriage or other important relationships. Get help from someone who loves you and wants the best for you. Trust your loved ones to see you through the other side. Trust that there are loved ones, people you might not even be aware of, who really want to see you through to the other side.

114. 

     Fallon on April 4, 2012 at 8:54 am

     I must have needed to read this today, because I don’t often scroll down on my “Little Bird Told Me” emails, and today.. I did… and there was the link to this. I was diagnosed with depression that at first I thought was “just” severe PMS (it got worse at that time of the month), I’m getting better, but still have much progress to make. With my progress, I am able to see that my husband is suffering as well. He doesn’t even acknowledge that there is anything wrong in his life. It’s been getting steadily worse the past years since he retired from the military (he loved being in the military) – he never found a fulfilling job, so he settled… but I know he is not happy there. However.. my husband is of the “just snap out of it” crowd, and refuses, absolutely refuses to talk about it. He was aghast when our daughter went to therapy several years ago for her eating disorder. He still won’t talk about it, and we have no idea what he thinks helped her through that time in her life (she’s got a handle on it, and is doing very well now, in fact, incredibly successful with her life). I don’t know how to help him, but I might print out this blog page and leave it where he can find it. 🙂 He knows I am taking the Soul Restoration class, even though he doesn’t understand it.
     It’s nice to know that I’ve been going down the “right” path, loving him as he is, no matter what. 🙂

115. 

     Lynn on April 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm

     I don’t know how to post on the thread as it states that I don’t have permission. So I will just respond to your post here. I am one of those who has suffered with depression and anxiety for more than half my life. I am 44 years old and my first episode was when I was barely 17 years old. My story is long so I will just give the highlights…My depressive episodes are always preceded by major debilitating anxiety/panic attacks. I had my first when I was planning to go on my senior trip after high school graduation. My parents had generously surprised me with a 6 week tour of Europe. About 3 weeks before the trip I began having severe anxiety, but I didn’t know that that was what it was, I just thought I was going completely crazy. I was beyond afraid to talk about it to anyone, I didn’t and still don’t trust easily. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate and was so hyper aware of everything and everyone around me that I couldn’t really function. I trudged my way through it and went on the trip but I was still suffering greatly and not knowing anyone I was with was terrifying. I called my dad from Paris begging him to let me come home…he didn’t understand what I was experiencing and he made me stay. Thanks to the generosity and saving grace a the sweetest Nun on earth, I somehow was able to eat a grilled ham and cheese (the first thing I had eaten in 4 weeks, that I didn’t immediately throw up). That Nun (I so wish I could remember her name) saved my life…I believe with every fiber of my being that people are placed in our path for a purpose and I know she was placed in mine. Something shifted in me as I was able to start eating again, I began to sleep better and even though I was majorly depressed, the anxiety was temporarily relieved to the point that I could get through the rest of the trip. When I arrived home, there was no talk of what I had experienced, I swallowed the fear and the shame and didn’t ever speak of my emotional pain. Fast forward to my marriage and first pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant when I had about 2 semesters left of collage to get my Bachelors degree…it wasn’t a planned pregnancy but the child (a daughter) was very much loved and wanted. However, after her birth, I became anxious once again and couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable when this should be the happiest time of my life…again, there was no one to talk to, I couldn’t speak of the pain or “pit” feeling as I called it back then. No one understood…until, my husband was about to have a nervous breakdown from all the stress of his educational program that he was completing at the time. His father came to him and suggested counseling, and so he sought out a PHd and began talking to him…as a part of the service the PHd wanted to meet the “wife” to get a better idea of what was happening for my husband…long story short, I finally had a name for what I was experiencing, chronic clinical depression most recent episode Post Partum. Being the student of life that I am, I found every book, article, tv show, anything I could get my hands on to educate myself and those family members who were receptive about the symptoms and pathology of depression and anxiety. Fast forward to my 2nd pregnancy…multiply the most anxiety you have ever felt by 1000, and that is what I was experiencing after my son’s birth. To this day, I have little memory of his infancy. This episode was excruciatingly painful…I had never experienced pain like it in my entire life experience…This was the first time I learned that depression/anxiety a mental disorder, could physically hurt. This began a desperate search for the perfect “pill” that would relieve my emotional and physical pain…this was a journey unto itself…you might think that a pill is a pill and should work for everyone…you would be wrong, everyone is different and each medication affects everyone differently. My search has lasted over 20 years…still taking medication, while it helps and I most likely would not be able to function without it, it is not a perfect fix…there are all kinds of side effects but I decided long ago that I would need to be around to raise the kids that I had brought into the world so I would do whatever it takes to not only be here but be the best I could be…My journey brought me one more daughter, after much planning with a psychiatrist and family members who were willing to help. Her birth was by far the best, I actually got to experience the joy of childbirth because I went on meds immediately after she was born (literally right when the cord was cut). I chose not to nurse her so that she would not be exposed to medication. It was successful to the point that I did not sink into a debilitating depression or anxiety out of control, I did have minimal baby blues but nothing compared to previous experiences. After this “success” I got many phone calls over the years from friends of friends asking me about my experience and asking for advice. I finally decided to enroll in a Masters of Social Work program and received my MSW in 2009. I have been a psychotherapist since then mainly working with children and adults who suffer the effects of trauma and ptsd. My education has not only helped me, but it continues to help others through me…I would be remiss not to thank God and my dear husband for being the most supportive and compassionate people in my life…we have been on this journey together and learned so much about each other and ourselves through the process…We just had our 23rd wedding anniversary and still going strong. It is a bit of a roller coaster ride at times but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world…while at times they have been the most difficult to experience, they have absolutely shaped me and made me into who I am…A compassionate, understanding, empathetic woman, mother, sister, wife and daughter.
     Lastly, Thank you so much for sharing your story…I have found through personal experience that speaking out is the most empowering thing we can do for those who struggle in silence and fear. I don’t know you, but I love you and your husband!

116. 

     Ashley on April 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

     Wow, I remember this story. You have come SO far, Melody. SO far. God is SO good.

     I was somehow drawn to today’s email, and now I know why. I feel like I’m where you are now, since reading this so long ago.

     Depression is NOT something taboo, to hide, or to think that you don’t matter. You feel like you could just crawl under a rock and no one would care. Believe me, sisters, it is so far from the truth. Just when you think no one cares, someone can pop up to reach out a hand and pull you in for a big old hug. It’s so uplifting to see three pages of people that have either been through it, or are reaching out right now to those of us who have. There is a light. I did it. You can, too.

     I thought it was just something I could fight on my own, and no one would have to know. I thought if I just did it, I’d fix myself. Honestly, it took a few amazing family members to help me, a wonderful doctor, and a counselor to get me to where I am today. Okay, I cannot count out Him. Without Him, I’d be nowhere. It took work on my part, but I crawled out.

117. 

     Stacey Ballard on April 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

     Thank you once again for telling your story and being open enough to share so you can help others. I have suffered from depression and anxiety attacks for many years, it started after I had a major surgery and started thinking about life and death. It took ending up on a friends floor unable to get up, I thought I was going crazy too. I am also on medication, because I finally understood it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t control the chemistry in my brain by will power. I have since had 16 abdominal surgeries and a liver transplant. I have many alcoholics in my family, for many generations, that were probably just trying to self medicate. I don’t/didn’t drink but I was the one who got the liver disease, but I know that wasn’t my fault either. Whether you suffer from mental illness or addiction IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! It’s a disease, a horrible one, no one would ask to have a mental illness or addiction anymore than someone would ask for cancer.

     I have done a lot of work in healing myself, but I know it’s a journey that doesn’t have a destination. I just started going to AL-ANON meetings and they have been SO helpful, because I have also realized that growing up around addicts have given me some BAD coping skills that I need to work on. I am a “yes” girl, a perfectionist, and I thought I needed to be in control of everything/everyone all the time. Through everything I have learned I can’t control anything and I need to trust in GOD (what ever name you want to call her/him) that GOD will take care of me. I have also had trouble asking and accepting help, but I am getting better at that too, because I realize I can’t do it all alone.

     Please reach out and get help, we all love you and know that I am sending out my love, we need you in this world to help others who are suffering.

     Don’t die with your music still in you. -Dr. Wayne Dyer

118. 

     Angel G on April 10, 2012 at 4:47 am

     Hi Melody, I tried to read this blog post before, but it was on the day that the site was down. I was just reading my little birdie truth for the day and remembered there was a post I wanted to read……its just amazing that it it exactly what I needed to see. I am married to a man for 35 years, who has suffered with anxiety and depression. For one year now, it has been at its highest level. We have been to the doctors and have switched his medications 4 times this year. Its very hard seeing him depressed day after day, but I have to tell you I go on with life. I know there is nothing I can do to make him”snap out of it” I love him and take care of him,and pray I can find him a good therapist to talk to.I think, that as family members of a depressed person, we need to carve out a piece of life that is our own. Depression hurts everyone in the family . I never saw it as something to be ashamed of. I have always spoken about my husbands depression. I know its an illness that you can’t help. Medications help some people. My husband got better for one month. In December, my children said “Dad is back”. He enjoyed Christmas…we had a huge family Christmas celebration….he totally engaged with everyone and then toward the end of February his depression came back with a vengence.For the past two months now he juts sits on the couch, hardly talks and just exists. Its hard to see him like this. He wants to talk to a professional, but its really hard finding the right therapist. we have been to a few but he feels they were not for him. I support him, encourage him, love him.I pray for him every day. I know like I know my name God will lead us through this depression. There is so much life to enjoy. I know we are not alone on our journey. Peace to all. Thanks for a place to share. Angel

119. 

     Cindy on April 11, 2012 at 2:35 am

     I’ve had this post open in my browser window, waiting for the right time to respond to it. I can’t sleep tonight, so I guess the timing is right.

     Like so many of you, I have my own depression story. I have dealt with chronic depression since I was about 13 years old; I’m 48 now. When I was 30, I was first diagnosed with chronic clinical depression, and later bipolar disorder, type 2. After I started hearing voices in electric appliances like the dishwasher and the oscillating fan my husband and I had running in the bedroom most nights, that diagnosis was changed to type 1. Even with occasional bouts of severe mania and psychotic features, depression is my primary symptom. Add to all of that that I’m a rapid cycler and subject to Mixed States, life can be a challenge!

     When I hear other people with bipolar disorder talk about their manic episodes, I almost envy them. Not because mania is enjoyable, or because it’s not as dangerous as depression — neither of those ideas are true — but because I don’t feel the same debilitating heaviness that I feel with severe depression. I’m not stating this very well, as I know that everyone’s experience, while being so similar, are also wildly individual. Just a few days ago, I laid in bed for about 19 hours, feeling a heaviness that almost wouldn’t allow me to roll over or rearrange when my back started to hurt or even get out of bed when I needed to go to the bathroom. And not only was there the heaviness, there was a darkness, too. My thoughts were so slow that I couldn’t follow them to see if there was any helplessness or hopelessness in them. Just trying to follow my thoughts felt like slogging through molasses, they moved so slowly. The one awareness at I had was that I’m convinced that I will some day die of my own hand. I wasn’t suicidal in the moment — I lacked the emotional and physical energy to make a plan, much less to carry it out — but I think I am suicidal in a larger, broader sense. Even when things are going well and I’m happy and content with my life, I have that same knowing that one day I will kill myself.

     My mother’s attitiude toward my depression/bipolar disorder was to ignore it. I don’t think she ever asked about my prognosis or my treatment, or even how I was doing on any given day. I remember her telling me as a teenager to just snap out of it, to just change my attitude, or to stop being so dramatic. I grew up thinking that my mental states were a character flaw. It took me a long time to realize that they were the result of brain chemistry gone haywire. Sure, I knew it intellectually — my first counselor and psychiatrist both made sure I understood that — but it’s taken years, literally, for it to sink in emotionally. This is an illness I have but IT IS NOT WHO I AM! I confess, some days I forget that …

     I’m on meds, and I’m resigned to the fact that I will be for the rest of my life. My life becomes unbearable, quickly, if I go off of them. Just the memory of a three day stay in the psych ward is enough to keep me taking my meds!

     I am blessed with people who love me and support me. My husband is usually a trooper when my moods get wonky. He’s always been there to take care of me when I needed his help. And my two closest friends both treat my illness very matter-of-factly. They don’t ignore it, dwell on it, or tip toe around it. That helps me keep a sense of normalcy about the whole thing.

     Thanks so much to everyone who has either shared their story or offered support for those who did. I have been comforted by the amount of love and caring that has been expressed on this thread, and I suspect others have too.

120. 

     Deborah on April 11, 2012 at 11:49 pm

     Melody,

     Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have dealt with depression off and on for during my marriage to an alcoholic as well as an abuser (20 Years), and still do to this day (10 years later.) My children are grown and have had severe bouts of depression as well, and still battle it as well. We all have our good days and our bad. I have learned that it isn’t going to just go away, so I just learn to take it one day at a time. I am considering taking medication again. My job situation working graveyard and being stressed as well, just doesn’t help the situation. I am hoping that the medication will also help me with my lack of sleep, will hopefully help me the peace of mind that don’t have often enough.

     Thank you so much for sharing your life with us! God Bless You and Yours!

121. 

     me on April 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

     Truly, Truly a brave post. My heart goes out to both of you. (((big cyber hug)))
     No we dare not speak of it. Having clawed my way out of the abyss which cost me my dream career many many years ago I can relate. Keep trying, keep seeking until you find the help that works for you/him. For me it took a very long time and many different treatments till something finally gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I could escape the hell that I was in. For all it’s bad rep. God Bless Prozac, and a very patient psychiatrist – I owe my life to them. I also owe some very bad doctors a punch in the face…

     That was all over 20 years ago… I’ve been drug and doctor free since then. So there is hope!

     It’s funny though, once you’ve been there, there is absolutely nothing like the fear of ending up back there. Holy Crud, it’s paralyzing a what-if that plays out in my mind. So I developed ‘crazy’ coping skills. People will say what they will say about these. But it’s not as bad as it sounds, and peace of mind and freedom from fear is worth far more than anything I may be missing. I don’t commit to things, I don’t take the lead, I don’t step in many times when I know I should, I don’t get involved, I don’t think about being happy, I tolerate a lot, I don’t quit smoking, I try to smile all the time (whether I feel like it or not because it is true, the world smiles back and that lifts me up), and most of all, I don’t talk about this stuff ever.

     I choose very carefully, what I think I can handle, because these years have shown me that fate will deal me blows that will test my strength beyond imagination, and I need to have something in reserve. I just spent the last six months looking into the abyss after the loss of my husband. For me, there is no snapping out of it, it’s more of wearing it out, putting it away and trying to never going there again.

     I think redefining happiness has been the most beneficial for me. Happiness for me is peace. It’s some neutral ground between laughter and weeping. That is my goal, to be there. The gratefulness of simply being there, sitting in the sun, petting the dog and watching my shadow on the wall. That is actually my definition of happiness. Simply being.

     Several times people have told me I could do and be so much more. Nope, been there done that, and the price was very very steep. I do what I must. I will never be the life of the party, but I hope I’ll be there when you need me.

     Other than my family, I have left any friends behind from that dark time so many years ago. Yes, I miss them, but what do you say? I was so changed by all this that well, whatever. My family was always terrific, it was horrible for them to watch and not be able to help. I pushed away, I refused phone calls, I was/am still so embarrassed by what I put them through/went through. It’s like the elephant in the room sometimes still. We’ve just learned to accept the elephant, it’s much better than not sharing our lives. God bless my mother, she’s a rock – sort of an odd rock but aren’t we all.

     I think what I miss the most, is the luxury of being indignant, and showing anger. That sounds funny, but I learned something which is truly unfortunate, and which is perhaps why we don’t talk about this. Once you declare you have been depressed, or treated for any psychiatric disorder, every single thing you do goes under a microscope. Getting angry is not allowed, you will be sent back for further treatment. Even if your anger is justified (like someone hit your car in the parking lot), you no longer have the right to express normal emotions because, you have this history….

     If there was one thing, people should understand about depression and recovering from depression. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that we care too deeply.

     ’nuff said. I should hit the delete button now… consider this an act of courage and a gift from me to you…
     me

122. 

     Ray on April 12, 2012 at 11:33 pm

     I am going to say something that has been on my mind since reading this blog. I should have said it then but hesitated.

     Almost two years ago my cousin’s wife committed suicide. The devastation that has beset the family is still on going. She did not have a long history of depression but there had been some. She underwent surgery and even though the doctors told her it was not cancer she did not believe it. She had watched a sister die a long and painful death from cancer only a few years before.

     I beg of any of you that ever have thoughts of death to get help, and get help and get help. Keep trying until you find something or a doctor that can help. This woman’s family still suffer daily and will for every day of their lives. A husband of many years, children and grandchildren still mourn. This is not a legacy that anyone should leave to others. God bless and keep you.

123. 

     Aubs on April 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

     I am truly touched by all that has been written. I know that there are so many of us who struggle with this disease, but like so many have said before, we keep it silent. We don’t want to seem weak, or vulnerable. We want to look like we have it all together and can keep it all together.
     I myself really noticed that this disease was starting to effect me after the birth of my 2nd child. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with post pardum, and I also believe that the factor of many other things happening all at the same time played a fact in that as well. My husband had really hurt his back and was working part time at his job, my sister in law had moved in with us in our tiny apartment, and everything just crowded in all around me at once. This disease is one that runs in my family line, and I’ve always been so “Scared” of it. I think I was in denial for a long time, not wanting to admit to anyone, especially myself of what was going on. It’s been close to 2 years now, and I’ve definitely noticed that its not as bad as it used to be. It took me a very, very long time to open up to my husband about it, and let him in. I was worried because he grew up in a family who had the mentality of to “Just suck it up and get over it.” I don’t blame them one bit, everyone deals with things differently and they had just never had to deal with this and didn’t understand. For the first while, it was hard on him I could tell, but through time, he still doesn’t understand, but he listens. He lets me talk, lets me cry, and just holds me and tells me he loves me. It doesn’t fix anything, but it helps to know that I have his comforting support.
     My strong faith in my Heavenly Father, and his constant love has really helped to give me comfort as well. Sometimes I have felt he is the only one who really understands what it is I’m going through.
     My ramblings here could go on, but the main point in writing this is I wanted to say Thank you. Though its true so many of us here suffer with this, it is brought on by so many millions of different things, it hits us all in so many different ways, and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. As bad as it hurts at times, and i would never, ever wish this on anyone, it truly helps to hear others stories of what they have been and are going through. It helps to know that I am not alone, and that this is something we can overcome. I love the comment that was posted “We are not the disease, the true us is still in there inside.” How very true that statement is!
     My biggest advice to anyone is to not keep it inside. You are not alone!
     My heart and prayers go with all of you, and thank you all again for sharing your stories.

124. 

     TJ on April 16, 2012 at 6:31 pm

     Thank-you for sharing this. Almost 8 years ago I sustained a back injury that forever changed my life. I am still unable to work but now see things more positively – I still have bad days but they are less often. My injury led to a chronic pain condition that was uncontrolled for almost 5 years. I suffer from severe chronic depression and a few times seriously considered taking my own life. Although I am single if not for the help, love and support of my family I never would have made it through those times. Although no one can truly understand what a person faces in their own journey through depression the best thing a friend can do is be there and love you. With time, help and medication I have gotten better, but the journey is difficult. Thank you for sharing your journey.

125. 

     Cathy on April 25, 2012 at 12:05 am

     I came across this on a night when I really needed to. See you were right, except I found it a bit later….so thankful that I did. I too understand depression all too well. Because migraines and depression go hand in hand I must pull myself out of it’s strong grasp several times monthly. The one thing I try to remind myself of over and over again “My God is stronger than that which is trying to drown me !” Yet it’s a lonely place when you cannot work or drive because of the migraines and medications to prevent them. People tend to disappear after awhile when you no longer have so much in common or cancel plans because of a migraine. Just the way it is. They can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. As you said, it’s a forbidden topic, I remember trying to talk about it with my sister whom I’m very very close to. She was horribly uncomfortable with it and kept trying to analyze me. When really all I needed was for her to say “I’m sorry you feel so alone and dealing with all this. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to listen.” Yes I am the strong/brave one and always the positive one ! I always smile. No one wants to see or hear the negative stuff. Every so often a time will that I shut down so to speak. It’s usually after too many times of feeling as though I’ve been beat up by my brain and I can’t take it anymore or outside forces (the world can be so insensitive) ….. so I crawl inside my turtle shell for a few days (my humor), or a nicer visual is curled up in God’s lap for some peace and healing. The last time I watched Eat, Pray, Love over and over again ! I get her ! That would be awesome ! Now that I’ve had a Hysterectomy my post depression is getting shorter and I’m hoping it continues this way. I read something the other day that instantly jumped off the screen at me like it was written for ME ! “HOPE LIVES HERE”. We can live without a lot of things, yet hope isn’t one of them. Remind yourself daily. Place your HANDS over your HEART and say ALOUD “Hope Lives Here”. I have it next to my computer so I’ll remember, doing it that way makes it feel more meaningful. Thank you to All the BraveGirls who took that step to write here, it’s helpful to know I’m not the only one too. Another thought….I had one fairly long yucky period, knowing I had to get myself out it, decided to buy a bunch of fun,crazy and colorful socks. So every time I looked down at my feet I saw something “Happy !” Guess what ? It worked too = )