Hello, beautiful brave souls. I’m finally writing this out for you…thanks for being patient. I promise you it will be worth it to read this whole thing…I know it’s long. I hope you will come back to it later if you don’t have time to read it all now. This is important. Ok…I was surprised (and felt incredibly validated) at the enormous reaction to the post I wrote about being angry (here it is if you have not seen it)…and letting myself be angry…..and showing up angry even though “nice girls don’t get angry”…..and how my dang hives are back to remind me to deal with it and my body is manifesting all sorts of things I’ve been ignoring and how I have decided to take this all very seriously and do a whole project around it all summer….take some REAL TIME……..called LIGHTER & LIGHTER…(this name came from my beautiful friend Lisa who told me that she hopes that 2014 is the year of LIGHTER for me….she was right) anyway………..I wanted to tell you that I have begun that project and it’s going beautifully and I want to invite you to join me if you would like. 
First of all….I need to tell you that I have been working on this for a few weeks (for myself)…..it’s been incredibly cathartic…I have dedicated a tremendous amount of time and prayer into it and it is proving to be quite a miracle for my little old soul (and even my hives, and definitely my anxiety and anger)…..and that is why I want to share it with you. I want you to be able to have this feeling too. I teach online and live courses for a living….and our team does an incredible job and over-delivers on every front….content and customer service, all of it……what I am giving you now is in the raw…and I am only giving you an idea of something that you could try. 
This is not like the online courses that we offer. I might make some homemade videos for you along the way (but don’t hold me to that)…. I will give you a PDF of the things I typed out to use….I took about 50 photos today to illustrate how to do it and I am sharing very vulnerable and personal pages with you so that you understand. What I am going to ask is that you understand that this is a work in progress…..that there are no rules that I am going to give you….not very many guidelines….and I won’t be able to answer your questions about what to do next beyond what I am going to share with you right now and what I will be sharing every Friday for the next 100 days (every Friday that I can, that is) ALSO…chances are…this will end up as an online class someday….so please remember that this is how I make my living and please don’t take my content and make your own class out of it, okay? please. I would love for you to do this, to do it with friends, family….hope you will share it with your daughters and the women in your life who need some mothering and sistering…..this is good stuff. I hope you will also look into doing BRAVE GIRL ART SCHOOL this summer (if you are not already signed up) because these two projects together would be amazing……I’m doing both of them….together. You can learn all about it HERE 
Okay…so the whole premise of this project is to do things that make us feel lighter. To let go of things that are heavy, or make us feel heavy. To remember things that set us free. To release things that are not true. To smother yucky old beliefs with healing truth. To stop running and running and running and doing and doing and doing and proving and proving and proving just so that you don’t have to stop and feel what needs to be felt. To sit still and feel it…and then let it go. To have fun. To seek, notice and create beauty. To get lighter and lighter and lighter….and lighter.
For 100 days, I just want you to ask yourself
1. Does this make me feel lighter?
2. Does this make me feel heavier?
3. Will doing this make me feel lighter?
4. Will doing this make me feel heavier?
5. Do I need to let go of this heavy thing? (relationship, obligation, shame, blame, memory, grudge, debt, weight, food in your hand)
….and then do something EVERY DAY that makes you feel lighter. Even remembering something good makes you feel lighter…in my book, I am including photos to remind me of times when I felt better, when I felt confident, when I felt healthy, when I felt like I was being brave. Even REMEMBERING what we have already done, and giving ourselves some credit, is an act of making us feel lighter. So…there is remembering and doing and letting go……. I hope you will come back and see the next step here on the blog on Fridays and follow the journey daily on Instagram @bravegirlsclub and if you JOIN US…I hope you will post on Instagram to with hashtag #lighterandlighter so we can all see what we are all up to. I’m stepping away from most of social media during this 100 days but I’d still love to stay connected during this project!! And while we are on the topic of remembering better days…..I want to share this photo with you…..and what it says… 
I am putting this photo in my book, along with a lot of others, to remind me who I really am. I am not these hives all over my body. I am not this extra 25 pounds I have gained. I am not this anger. I am not this grieving I feel. I am that girl up there. I want you to know THAT I KNOW THAT before I share my pages with you below. I’m going to be sharing some things with you that might cause you to feel sad for me, or be worried about me…or maybe even think that I am losing it and going crazy. In my book…I am just letting go of some things….and they are sad things….and they are difficult things. BUT I KNOW that I am going to get through it, feel better, and be on the other side of it. I KNOW that God loves me and wants to help me. I KNOW that these hives are just trying to help me. I know that I am okay. Soooo…what I would love to ask you to do is just WITNESS me releasing some of this stuff so that I can get lighter…please don’t think I am writing this so that I can transfer my pain to you…..that wouldn’t help anyone. This book is just about releasing. AND THAT is what I want for YOU too. I am okay. I am going to be okay. I am healing and I will continue to heal. P.S. this is what my body looks like when I have hives (I took this photo a few days ago)…except the hives are much bigger than this on the rest of my body and they swell my face up until I can’t even see sometimes…….THIS IS WHY I am willing to stop for 100 days and do this work….. (sorry if this grosses you out…..just wanted you to understand my big time motivation and why I’m stopping the train for 100 days) … they burn and they itch and they hurt and they want me to just get rid of the pain that’s inside my body that I ignore….they are little messengers… 
So…on that note…let’s begin… All that you will need…if you want to do this…is: -a notebook or sketchbook ( I am planning on filling several over the next 100 days…I have no idea how many) -some gluesticks (I’ve already gone through 3…so you may need a lot of them) -some old books to cut up, old storybooks and novels and poetry books are amazing, so are self help books and books about things that are important to you -an Xacto knife & a cutting mat or some little sharp scissors -the PDF that I am providing for you that you can cut up as it calls to you -I used some cardstock and double sided tape to store all of the words I cut out and keep them in a way that I can see them and they won’t blow away…so you can do that too if you want to -and then…some photos of yourself… -And…some quiet time, some music you love, lots of water and some serious bravery….because this project is all about telling yourself the truth…about everything. 
I started doing this when I started feeling not so fabulous. On a Tuesday….after getting some news from someone that hurt my heart, an old thing that I didn’t want to ever hear about again….I lost it. Like……I got really really really angry. Like a person inside me got unleashed who has been trapped in there for decades with tape on her mouth….and she is SO MAD. Anyway….I got really angry and the weird new rage…it lasted for a few days….I blogged about that HERE…it was weird. I am not an angry person…….but it was time. Then….my hives came back BIG TIME…then, my energy left. Then………..I decided I needed to listen……THEN….I decided to do something drastic for 100 days…..then, all I could do was sit and cut words out of old books…words and phrases…….and I sat there for days and days and days……not even exactly sure what I would do with them……but it just felt really good to find words to explain all the mixed up ways I was feeling…….. 
this exercise was awesome because I didn’t have to talk to anyone…I didn’t have to try to write and figure things out…I just poured through books and cut out stuff that spoke to me….all fragmented….it felt good to take the stuff off of pages that spoke to me and throw away the rest because that is what I need to do with my life…….just pick and choose what is best, what is right for me…and let the rest go…that’s what I did….page after page of old books…. and then I decided to make it into a book… 
this might all look really tedious and horrible to you…..but for me…this has been a great miracle. It has made me sit down and JUST BE…..be open to whatever I will find…be open to whatever will happen with what I find…be open to finding things that I didn’t even know existed….be open to putting things together that I never would have thought of putting together before…I even feel like words that were written years and years and years ago by other humans are the same words that I feel…just strung together in a different way. It makes me feel SO not alone…..and like we are all partnering together to figure things out together for ourselves. I didn’t know exactly how all of these words would go into my book…..but I started anyway…. 
One of the other things that started making me angry over the last few months was looking at old photos. I have to scour through my photos a lot for work and I see all of these photos of times when I felt good, looked good, had it good…….I see photos of things I have lost and time I have lost and things that happened that didn’t make any sense….I see photos of happy things and sad things….and all of it was making me feel so much anger. THAT is what made me see that I need to find out what this anger is all about. So….I started to just put photos into files on a page so that I can print them out and paste them into my book…and see what they have to say to me…. 
and then I decided to type a bunch of stuff out that I wanted to include in the book….like…things I remember…and how I want to work toward having that again…and then, how it’s okay to have that in new ways…because some things can never go back to what they used to be…and we have to be open to things happening in brand new ways….so…here’s a photo of some of the stuff that is in the PDF I am giving you… 
And then…I just started pasting…and pasting and pasting and pasting. And I cried a lot..and I prayed a lot. I asked for help. I asked for answers…..I asked for healing…I asked what needs to be healed…what needs attention…what feels neglected….and I searched out my words………..I did this part all from bed because I got a horrible migraine that put me down….. 
Then the messages started coming…..loud and clear…straight from my soul…straight from Heaven….straight from the source of all truth….just for me….and all of these words were the words I had been cutting out for days and days…not quite sure what they were for…. 
So here’s something very personal…and I asked my husband’s permission to share it….I have been feeling awfully sad and not myself for a few months now. Something happened in March that rocked my world. 2013 was not an easy year, either…….but what happened in March got me all twisted up and turned around and ANGRY and SAD and MAD. It shattered my heart and lots of my hope. You see……I had decided that 2014 would be THE YEAR OF US……and to me, what that meant was that Marq and I would finally heal from the last 10 years since his brain injury. I had this great fantasy that there would come a day when we would talk about all of the horrors that happened and we would bandage up each other’s wounds and then tell our story and then move forward in victory…..well…..I decided one day in March that it was a good time to start talking about things (believe it or not we have never talked about the worst times, we have just been focused on rebuilding our life) well…..I started to talk to him….and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about. He did not remember ANY of the traumatic events that I have been keeping fresh on ice for the day that we could heal from them together. I only mentioned a few of them and he was so horrified that I realized that I just won’t ever be able to talk to anyone about those things except for God. AND that my big dream of healing together is going to have to happen in a different way. I have delayed my healing for all of these years……..kept it on ice to keep it fresh when I should have let it go a LONG time ago. Anyway…..my cut-out words came out and brought that up……and I am certain this is a HUGE part of my issues…..(I know this is personal…….I am sorry for that….I have thought for all of these years that we would write a memoir about those years….but it’s not gonna happen…this book is how I am getting it on paper) I decided to focus on what I remember about what we DID do together…and what we are working toward to restore what was lost… 
I cried a lot when I pasted down the next words. This is a pain that has been buried so deep. I really thought we were carrying the same stories….both of us keeping them on ice….but it was just me. There are so many things that I have not let myself really deal with or heal from or feel…things that I have not verbalized. Because I wanted to do it with him. I can not begin to tell you how much lighter I feel from just pasting down these words… 
and how much lighter I feel now that I have decided to let go of how I thought our healing would happen together…..leaving me open to a new way of healing that I don’t even know about yet…..right now it is through pasting down little words…all in a row…(who knew?) I really sat on this bed in the guest room and just cried…I cried a lot. It hurts a lot…..I am grieving over the loss of it all. I kept pasting down words…..I started to have a conversation with Heaven, in prayer…..asking, really asking for what I need…. 
and then the answers came…again…. 
Ok…these are just SOME of my pages. Some are just too personal to share…..but I hope you get the idea. That one right up there…it’s pretty personal too. I wanted to share it because I was cleaning out the art barn and found stacks of curriculum I had written specifically for specific camps. Often, I will stay up late and write new curriculum for a group that really needs it. I found a stack of that material and could not believe how much I NEEDED IT FOR MYSELF. The photo above, I cut out the words of a guided meditation that I did at camp……helping that group of sisters to realize that they are taken care of….and to allow their 80 year old self to nurture them and teach them in the age they are now……but when I pasted the words down…it was God for me. I know I don’t talk a lot about God…but I can’t leave God out of this conversation. ALL THE WHILE of making this book….God keeps asking me to listen…..and to believe that good things are wanted and meant for me…….that I WILL HEAL. That I WILL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS better and stronger than ever. God also reminded me that I was born this exact girl that I still am today….and that even my little girl self was along on this journey…to not forget her in this process….. 
old wounds…old anger…old pain….old stories…….it all gets infected, ya know? It has to be cleaned out and dealt with and mourned and talked about and smothered with truth…..so it doesn’t turn to bitterness and disease and HIVES. 🙂 So…that’s what I am doing…….for 100 days straight and hopefully forever after. This is helping so much. I already feel lighter. It won’t take 100 days to talk about old wounds…so soon….to feel lighter, I will be doing fun things…and I HAVE been doing fun things…… 
planting tons of flowers…..making art (I REALLY HOPE YOU WILL JOIN ME IN SUMMER ART SCHOOL!)……watching movies….working on the new BGC project that we are launching in July…..talking to friends….and even letting myself be angry in fun ways like shooting at targets and smashing things. Just RELEASING IT. It’s too heavy….way too heavy. TIME TO GET LIGHTER AND LIGHTER….. I’m also working on getting my body weight lighter but I will blog about that on another day…. And…to get LIGHTER AND LIGHTER I’m also working with a new doc who totally gets me and I’m doing a new skin care routine and I’m doing all sorts of wonderful things with Marq to make brand new memories……and we are holding our Grandson as often as possible….he makes us feel lighter and lighter and lighter…..(we have the most amazing kids ever, too, and we spend every day with them) 
Soooooo….are you gonna join me on this journey? I hope so. I hope this is a summer of lighter and lighter and lighter for you, too. I hope you will come back and see the next step here on the blog on Fridays and follow the journey daily on Instagram @bravegirlsclub and if you JOIN US…and remember to post on Instagram to with hashtag #lighterandlighter so we can all see what we are all up to. Like I said…I’m stepping away from most of social media during this 100 days but I’d to see how YOU are doing this project!! (remember there’s no rules and I’m not around to answer questions about HOW to do it…you just get to decide the very best way for YOU to do it…and I will be sharing my very best way for ME to do it) I love you all so much!!! Let’s get lighter and lighter… xoxo melody
P.S. Here’s the PDF for you … I LOVE YOU! lighter and lighter daily to do
Sister. This is so opening, freeing, heart wrenching, and as per usual with all that you do, so PERMISSION-GIVING. Your movement and stillness are so pure and golden. Thank you for pioneering the way to deep healing by sharing your path and braving the fierce flames. You are never alone. <3
Dear Melody ,your words have helped me see signposts for the chaos in my mind .Thank you so much for all you share .The mountains of stuff in our home are the outward sign of the inner pain and turmoil that is hidden so deeply – maybe this is why it feels so scary to start clearing .I am definatly joining you
I know just what you mean about how working in this way – with ‘found’ words – is some kind of alchemy.
I’ve been creating what I call my *Snipped Tales’ for a while now and while they’re not, like yours, directly a reflection of something that’s happened to me … the end results are often [perhaps unavoidably] part of something within me.
They’re so precious to me [again, as you’ll know, there’s something almost mysterious and unconscious in the way these come together] that, despite working on them for close to 2 years … I’ve hardly shared any of them. This post on my blog this week is actually the first time I’ve really let them see the light of day! : http://notesonpaper.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/like-blog-hop-only-slower-which.html
It’s my dream to have them printed so I can share them with others. Seeing your post today has reaffirmed to me just how quietly magical they can be.
Thank you.
Julie
I can’t access the link at the beginning of this post to the other post on anger. Has it been deleted? The message I received said something about needing permission to view it.
I, too, was unable to get to it through the link on this post. But I went to the Brave Girl’s Club site and got to it through the ‘Blogs’ link – hope that helps! (Worth searching for!)
Dearest Melody,
Never feel like you need to apologize for sharing the power of God in your life. Therein lies healing, strength, and blessing – to yourself and to others 🙂 You are so wonderfully blessed and He has gifted you to “show up” in unconventional ways…and those ways are needed to speak to a larger audience than you can imagine. Thank you for listening and being still; I am very certain that amazing things will follow 🙂
You are truly inspiring! I first met you some years ago at Inspiration Unlimited… You were a force then, and you still are. Go through your pain, flush it out… We will all be here to support you in your journey, as we know you will in ours. I will take this challenge with you, and make the time in my hectic life to let it all go. Life is too short, and I need to come to terms with some remaining things in my life. Thank you for the reminder.
Oh, Melody – this is beautiful and touchable. I love you so much! I know that I don’t know you really, but I’m sure we’d be friends if I lived nearby because I gravitate towards real, hurting souls. I know the pain of physical symptoms stemming from emotional trauma – and it’s so good and important to pay attention. I love love love what you are doing in this lighter and lighter. I will join you. I’ve healed from trauma and pain – and am praying your healing be just as full. Much love. God is in this and it is amazing.
Tonight, my friend. I delete Facebook. I will be doing my Walk and taking the mother daughter art with Chance and we will dance, paint our rooms pretty and plant flowers and make art and memories and I will let go of my social media that is weighing me down. I spend toooo much time on my phone looking down and I want to look up and be IN THE NOW. I haven’t been fair to myself or my family for so long. Ive spent 8 years trying to get back to where i was! The sheer volume of information I have available on this phone is heavy. We will go to barrel races and I don’t have to talk about it and hopefully I can still make it home for a vacation to Colorado. I have big plans. And I’m scared I won’t know “what’s going on”- but do I really need to? I don’t think so.
I went running last night with fear and hurt and pain controlling each pounding step.
I prayed that God would help me find peace and comfort and a way to soothe those
hurtful things in my life.
This just might be an answer to some of those prayers.
Thank you, dear Melody.
I will be trying this with you.
Love
Chas
I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain and hard feelings. A long time ago I tried to discuss with someone things they had done to hurt me. They denied everything then said “well even if I did do that you need to just get over it, everyone has bad things happen to them in their life.” It made me feel so small and unimportant. This sounds like a lovely process. I would say you can also talk to a therapist – in fact, for some people that is vital. When life gets hard and really, I don’t want to be living anymore, and I feel like a yound, scared, lonely, abused child cowering in the corner of a dark room I know its more than I can and should handle myself. One very cathartic practice (there is a jewish holiday where people ask for forgiveness for all they’ve done to hurt each other and a therapist I “know” online does a ritual with her sons where they write down the things they want to let go and let it drift away on a creek near their house I needed something more physical so my son and I wrote down all the things we wanted GONE in our life – feelings, people, bad things – on ceramic plates. Then we went to an empty dumpster and smashed them one by one inside – seriously had us laughing annd giggling and LIGHT! Sometimes now he comes to me when he has big angry emotions and asks for a plate to write on and take to smash.
Just this past week I went back and read your story about things piling up in your yard. So many things we have that no one see’ s. Thank you for being so open. What you just wrote is what I need to do. I just bought a notebook and a few other items,this week for the first time and now,I know what to do. I have been hit by huge storm again and again and am in another. I have been printing out art and quotes, and my husband will probably think I am crazy. But I have deep sadness that isn’t resolved. I follow all of your posts . Take good care. And you have helped so many that you will never even know about. XO. Take care with no guilt.
amen and I love you.
Sweet Melody, your vulnerability is so beautifully uncommon and useful. Thank you for showing me some of what it looks like to be living bravely. I’m in the same hard place of trying to listen to a very disrupted soul. Thank you for sharing your journey – and encouraging me to bravely walk into my own. Much love to you!
Melody,
I am so sorry that you are suffering with this pain right now. You are such a beautiful soul and my heart aches for you. I KNOW that you will be ok. I KNOW that you will feel light again. You give so much to others through your reflection and pure words. I KNOW God will carry you through. I love you!
Dear Melody, I am witnessing what you are experiencing. I wish I was there right now to give you a hug. I hope these days give you the peace you are looking for! I will see you in instagram land!
Love and Peace!
God Bless You! Sending much love and healing!
I love that you open your heart and share like this. I’m sure it’s not an easy thing. I’m also so sorry that you are suffering and hurting and I have no doubt that you will be feeling better soon. You have such a gift that allows you to recognize something, look inward and upward, and do the work to make things better and allow healing. Thank you for being the beautiful woman that you are and for not being afraid to share who you are with the rest of us. Sending loads of hugs!
Melody, like many women, I, too, have ‘issues’ with anger. I admire your bravery in dealing with it. My ‘solution’ – for too many years – has been Prozac. I have been told living life on Prozac is like living with mittens on – it can be done, but you miss out on an awful lot. So, I have tried a couple of times to ‘do without’ – but it felt like my body was being taken over by Satan himself. The anger was so strong, I was fearful of hurting someone – even myself. It really scares me, so I have stayed ‘tucked in’ my Prozac bed.
So interested to read the comment in the anger post about the mind body connection, for I have been dealing with back pain for the past year – just about to start my second round of PT. Maybe, I should do this 100 days instead. But I look around my house – in the middle of major remodeling/redecorating; my ‘office’ is a disaster – I have let all my ‘should do’s’ slide – paperwork, accounting, etc (bills getting paid but not filing receipts – record keeping stuff).
I would love to do the 100 days work, but it seems too much ‘fun’ when I have all this other ‘serous’ work that I really ‘should’ do first. Does that make any sense?
I am coming to Brave Girl’s Camp in October (can’t wait!) (my gift for my 60th Birthday – October 13) and I hope that I can find the courage to deal with my anger like you have! Praying for the Lord’s hand to be on you in your journey of discovery & Truth.
Kim, as I was reading your comment I thought what a kindred spirit. I could hear some of my story in what you had to say. My heart skipped a beat when I read you were going to camp in October. So am I, can’t wait to meet you!
-Katie
Miss Melody… I am actually in a physical state of emotion… in that, it’s not tears. It’s a feeling in my body. A key was turned by your words… I got to look trough a window… open a door to a room in my heart that I didn’t even know was there. A storm bunker deep under the ground that was holding all my dreams and thoughts and ideas of how “someday” I would allow myself to heal when my husband was able and willing to accompany me….. he can’t, he won’t…. he isn’t even my husband anymore but I held onto the idea that he would be and that we would heal all this infection together. No, that’s not the way it is. Only myself and the God of the universe who loves me can do that.
Moving toward the “light”… I will be in touch along the way….
I am ever grateful for the day I was blessed with Brave Girl wisdom
I am so completely blown away with your honest and bravery! You are working so very hard and you are doing a GREAT job! You inspire me to join you……and I am trying to sort out which path to take. I’d like to do art camp, but Life Restoration calls to me too……I am printing your PDF of Lighter and Lighter and will do some work along side you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My struggles are really hard this year too and this is something that will be really helpful for me. Thank you for sharing, inspiring and being willing to walk together through tough and beautiful times! XOXO
I love you Melody…
Oh, you brave, brave girl! Thank you for sharing. I need this “lighter and lighter,” too, and I am beginning to work with it from another angle, from Bonnie Gray’s book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest.” Your project and this book–yes, just what I need to heal from some trauma of my own.
Although you may not realize it at this moment, the realization that your husband can’t share the same emotions with you is a tender mercy. Now, is the time for him to see you through. Draw on his strength just as he drew on yours so many years ago. As women, we love when others relate, share or acknowledge our feelings but, sometimes, we need someone to just help pull us through.
The fact that he can’t remember events is because of his injury. You, too, are showing signs of traumatic injury. Not physical but emotional. If you can’t feel better and lighter by your own methods, you can and should ask for help. That is not a sign of weakness but a gift you give yourself and those who love you….a whole person.
“At times our light goes out and is rekindled by the spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” — Albert Schweitzer
You are a bright light! You have a purpose which is Christ-centered and God-given. As a wife, mother, new and very young grandmother and “SISTER” to all women, find your place of healing and peace. Know that YOU are loved!
Good luck ….. I wish you all the very best!
That was perfect, Jana!
Beautiful
Wow …Such a healing read God Bless You and all that you do for woman
Melody, I can so appreciate where you are right now! My 10-year old son was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. During those preschool years, I truly was in survival mode, dealing with his meltdowns and sleep deprivation at home, driving to and from therapies, and trying to focus on the positive (He can talk. He is loving. etc.). At the same time, I felt like a part of myself, the inner child who is creative and spontaneous, was put in a closet for many years, just so I could survive. Several years ago, when my youngest started Kindergarten, I started to acknowledge that little girl inside me again and ask her what she needed from me. In a round-a-bout way, I came across a creative coach who used art therapy to help me let go of some old issues, unrelated to my son’s autism. I embraced the calling to be an artist and already felt lighter; BUT, my own anger, disguised as anxiety, seemed to lay simmering underneath. I felt like someone was squeezing my heart so much of the time. Then I began seeing a counselor to work-on some parenting skills to use with my daughter, as power struggles were becoming an issue. Once we touched the surface, all that anger that I had stuffed down in my survival years started to come-out through a process that she calls, “Brainspotting.” Evidently, it is a technique used to work with persons who have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. I had never really considered those early years with my boy to be a “trauma,” but you know, it was. It totally turned my life upside-down. Being a mom of an autistic child is not what I had planned! So, as I read all that you have written, I think, “Yes, I totally understand how Melody might have a lot of anger stored in her body!” You are a survivor along with your husband! Sending prayers and hugs!
I have so many things that I have pushed down, in the past, because I know that my husband and I were raised differently and it would be impossible for us to have a conversation where all my hurts would be acknowledged. He just wouldn’t get it. He will hold on to the stupidest things but doesn’t get how his words in the past has caused me to be a little bitter inside. So, I push myself to let it go. I forgive but the stuff lingers in the corners of my mind and wants to come out when I’m mad. I know it’s me and I have had to let God take the wheel.
He is so loving and so kind but he was raised differently and he was not taught that you need to learn to filter your words. As we have grown older he has changed dramatically for the better. I can’t keep things in anymore because they won’t go away…
Melody, you are such an important and amazing person and God put you on this earth to teach us all. Keeping things in is toxic. Get it all out, once and for all, in any way that makes you well. I will be praying for you.
Thank you for sharing. ((((Hugs))))
It is time to let it go. The most powerful words i have herd. while getting ready for work this morning, putting on makeup, having a cup of coffee reading your post, my heart infused with reality. while standing in the mirror truth spoke to me…with your words…its time to let it go. it has consumed me all day…things that we do to make truth diminish so are ego’s can have there own reality, there own denial. I’m with you sister all the way in..no matter how much it hurts. its time.
Of course I will join you. The past 8 months of my life have brought more large changes that the past twenty years. Unlike you, I won’t be completely unplugging from the net, but my goal is to tone it down. I need to work on me this summer. I wish I could join you for Art Class, maybe I’ll have the funds next time. ((hugs))
Melody: thank you for sharing – just what I needed to read today. I am on a flight home with hives from head to toe that I “thought” just magically appeared, but after some soul searching and reading this the truth is becoming more apparent. Thank you for reminding me we all have “yucky” ‘stuff, but no matter what we can deal with it and deal with it together. xx
We are so often told that anger is a bad thing, but there is a type of anger that is meant to speak to us…to get us to move and heal. Like you I had hives, and I thought I would live with chronic IBS the rest of my life. I didn’t want to face that there were things and people I needed to let go. I was afraid…and it was not an unreasonable fear. In my case when I set boundaries for not being hurt by his rejection and superiority, my love, who I’d been loving and trying to relate to for more than 3 decades, decided that he didn’t care if I was around or not. He told me what a disappointment I’d been and was unwilling to even do the smallest things to improve the situation. I had to let go of the dream. My soul had been damaged by all the years of him seeing me as a disappointment. When I faced the truth, my health improved…I lost weight, and was not longer sick with hives and IBS..rather like a miracle. The kind of miracle that happens when you listen to God speaking to you through your precious body. Sometimes healing feels risky, but it still feels better than being sick all the time in your heart and body. I just tell you all this, to let you know that I think you are a brave, brave girl. I did (and do) art journal through it all, and at the time even had a private blog called “Brave Girl” before I found your wonderful site! Because Brave Girls face the truth. Brave girls do what is right. My Grandmama told me when I was growing up, “We are strong women, and we can do hard things, the right things.” God bless you…and know I’m working along with you. hugs.
Y♡u are s♡ l♡ved! ~★~
I love this so very much.. This is a great project for healing and inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing. Just to let you know this is exactly what I have been needing as well. love ya soul sister
Oh- It is like you know where I am. I am heavy. Heavy in my heart, my body and my soul. I have to get lighter or I am going to sink and not be able to get up. I am sad and depressed and lonely and sad and tired. I need this and YES I am going to do art summer classes! I love art!!! My walls are getting full…time to give them to others that they can help! You are so brave and authentic – I love it. I love you, even though we have never met {who knows, our souls could very well know each other!}
Hi Melody,
Reading this just makes me think that you’re the “mother” I never had but always wanted. I never felt like my mom was emotionally available and vulnerable to me, so I’ve struggled a lot with female friendships. Thanks for being so transparent. I have a very hard time with that as this past year things were said to me that I’ve had a very difficult time healing from. I’ve somewhat given up on friendship because of it. Just soo tired of heavy relationships and heavy emotions. Want to feel lighter as well. I’d appreciate your prayers. I am embarking on a new venture: a new job oppty and I’m not sure I can do it. But I want to finally be able to have my own place and even save money to come to Brave Girls Camp! 😉 it seems like the nurturing, loving, accepting environment of ladies that gather there would be like the female comraderie I experienced living with my Aunt and having knitting/tea parties together. I’ll just definitely have to make that my goal to come. I will be printing out your PDF for Lighter and Lighter this week. (An excuse to buy art supplies!!:) have a very blessed Memorial Day to u and your family!
Wow, I can’t begin to tell you what your words have done for me. After 26 years of marriage and the building of a beautiful family my husband came home one day and told me he “just doesn’t want to be married with a family anymore”. For someone that held family as the most important thing in life I can’t tell you how lost, devastated, afraid, angry and incredibly sad I feel. The divorce should be final any day now. I’m still trying to understand how this happened in such a short amount of time. I’ve been told too many times to count over the last few months how incredibly brave I am. To me I was just doing what had to be done as my heart broke completely apart. I understand that now it’s time to work on putting it back together. I’ve tried journaling through this painful time but I just couldn’t find my own words to describe how I feel. Your idea of finding other peoples words and putting them together to make them your own makes so much sense to me. It seems like a place to start to me. Instead of holding my head up and moving forward and being brave for those that know my story and watch to see what I will do next this is something I can do in my alone time that will help me heal the little girl inside that just wanted to be loved and to love. Thank you. I can’t wait to get started.
Betty,
I tried to post a response to you last week but somehow it didn’t go through… You are brave and thank you for sharing. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Betty- please know you are so loves. I understand what you are going though. Although, I was only married for 8 years, my exhusband did the exact same thing. He came home, told me he didn’t love me, he didn’t want to be married, he didn’t want to be a family. He moved out that night, 6 months later we were divorced and I began raising my 18 month beautiful baby on my own. It took me 4 years to let go, let God and learn to re embrace myself. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are loved. You will get through it
Betty, the strength you show in sharing you’re story tells me your wounded little girl also has a bold, beautiful, clever, and courageous big sister just waiting to be remembered. What would she teach her little sister? How would she comfort her? How would the little sister make the bigger sister laugh? Normally I don’t feel compelled to respond, but I wanted to let you know I saw this in your words. Have faith, you’ve got this, sister-friend. “God dwells w/in you, as you.” (Eat, Pray, Love) Be well!
Melody,
You are blazing a trail for all of us. Looking forward to getting lighter and lighter alongside of you over the next 100 days.
Patty
I too, am going to do your Lighter and Lighter 100 days with you – today will be my day one. I am now 53 years old and keep hiding part of my past and the hurt that it has left. I have turned into a very bitter person and don’t trust easily ; if you asked anyone very few would know this about me. I try to cover it up with joy and laughter but it is extremely hard to do on a daily basis. I am definitely scared to start this process, but have been considering this for almost 3 weeks prior to your message here the other day; it almost feels as if God has his hand in this and wants me to know that he does care. Hopefully on to a “new” beginning and to healing.
I can honestly tell you Melody that from what I just read, you dear girl are on your way. As you know, everyone has a story and everyones ending is different. The day finally comes when we must choose how we are going to live the rest of our lives in spite of our heartache.
Through my own struggles, I have often asked myself…..am I going to let this (thing, or problem or situation) define who I am or am I going to ask God to remind me how He sees me, warts and all.
I believe that loss, heartache, turmoil and disappointment escapes no one. As I’ve read in some of the posts, we become so good at hiding our pain for fear of being talked about which only brings more shame if we find that out or fear of being thought of as weak.
Your are truly a brave young woman to share your story. In doing so, God will fold His loving arms around, rock you to sleep and restore you to who you are and who you have yet to become.
Remember, The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Tread lightly dear sister, be kind to youself and…..all will be well. You’ll see. Peace.
Melody, you are a beautiful soul. Your Soul Restoration course literally saved my marriage several years ago. When I read your blog and I read the stories you tell of your journey to hell and back with your husband, I am so amazed and inspired and lifted by you.
Just want to say you should ABSOLUTELY write that book yourself, even without your husband’s memories. I would buy it in a hot second!
Hello Melody,
Thank you for writing about hives. I have them, too. Not all the time, but often enough.
I just got them again yesterday and have been trying to figure out why and was led to your blog.
I’m sure you’ve had so much advice about what to do for them, but one thing that soothes mine is to take a large bowl of spring water – add a few drops of lavender oil to it, and then soak a washcloth in the water and oil and apply to the hives. We all have to find our own way through it, but that is one thing that comforts me.
I appreciate all that you share with us and love you and your writing from the heart. Be well, sweet songstress Melody.
I send you a magical fairy to lighten your day with a sprinkle of stardust*~*~*~*~*~*~* Hives be gone!
Oh Melody. Your words touch my heart. I have been dealing with hives for a few years now. Lately they’re back in full force — not surprising given the things going on and yes, the anger that I too have buried within myself. I need to take the time to do this work for myself. I’ve been running for a long time. Even running from the classes (including your classes) that I take where I start to bump into these infected places that need cleaning.
Your page about God rocking us, taking care of our needs and tucking us into bed safe and having done enough — oh the tears. I need to spend some more time with this idea. It’s funny, I tried to explain the longing and craving in my heart to a friend today. But this imagery is perfect. I need my heavenly father to hold me, love me and steady me and let me feel safe.
If you are open to sharing the guided imagery, that would be an amazing gift.
Thank you so much for your honesty and willing to be vulnerable. You help so many of us heal these deep wounds and traumas that plague us.
God bless you and keep you and hold you as you heal. <3
Melody–I read this when you wrote it, and appreciated your vulnerability and your wisdom. As you come to mind, I wonder how your lighter and lighter summer is going and I pray that you can receive the further insights and healing that God wants to give. I ache for you and cheer you on…but it hasn’t seemed to be anything that directly relates to ME.
And then I re-read this post today…and a piece of truth came crashing into me. I, too, have been holding onto difficult, wounding things, waiting for a time when my hubby and I could sort through those things/times together and move to a place of healing. And that time will never come. He does not have TBI, but he truly does not remember those hurtful episodes. He is angry at life but clueless what it is that has brought him to that point. We are in marriage counseling, in a desperate attempt to move forward together…but your words have helped me realize, there are many things I should have let go of years ago and that I need to look at and let go of now. And maybe then I will be more able to move forward to a better future in our marriage (and in my own life).
THANKS for your wisdom…God uses your words to speak to the right person at just the right time…
It’s amazing how serendipity can work! To “stumble” upon your blog, this blog post, today…. it seems to be the perfect stimulus for the process I’m working through in my life. Thank you for your hard work & willingness to share it… it is inspirational!