Let me start by saying that this journey is most certainly helping me to feel lighter, and I am SO HAPPY that I am doing this project…but it’s not easy some days. (If you want to catch up…heres THE POST ABOUT THIS PROJECT). So… my body is doing all sorts of crazy things to deal with it….I have started some new health things with a new doctor….at the end of last week on the way to my new doc’s office…I got the worst migraine of all time………and I just cried all the way through the appointment because I told him how mad I am that I worked all of these years to get on the other side of all of this…and now I’m in the worst condition ever….he just kept saying…you are going to get better…you are…..we are going to get you all better…..

but here’s me at the doc laying down and feeling like crud…………..  reality check…

melody migraine

then I had to get weighed. I knew it was going to be not so fantastic. I knew that because I can only fit on my stretchy clothes….but when I got weighed…the news was about 10 lbs more than what I was expecting. BUT……..we gotta get real to get whole, ya know? Now I know where I am…….and I’m figuring out where I want to go…and I’m figuring out what’s gotta go in order for me to feel lighter and lighter….

Looking in the mirror at your backside is a great reality check….what happened back there melody

So…you know what?…I decided that while I am working on all of this (and the doc said my weight gain is a symptom of all of the stuff going on in my body….hormones, adrenals, etc…….) anyway…This week…I bought some clothes in the size I am now, instead of trying to squeeze into the size a was a year ago…I did not do this while cursing myself…I did this while saying…’honey, this will be so much more comfortable while you are healing….’what I decided is that while we are working on healing from the inside…and letting go of what is not working…I am going to work really hard on my skin, take really good care of it…and I am happy to say…that my skin is looking really really really good……(even on hivey days) …and my heart is doing good too………things are getting lighter and lighter…

melody radiant

I’m working in my lighter and lighter book. I love doing it so much. I definitely spend more time cutting out words than anything else. There is something about it that makes me feel so relaxed and connected to myself and connected to the rest of this universe…and to God. I have cut out thousands of words by now, I think…and so it’s really easy to find the exact right ones. Something else that has happened since I decided to take this journey is that I have had all sorts of miraculous visits from animals….(and I will blog about that on another day)….I just think that when we decide that we need help, and we ask for help….all of creation conspires together on our behalf for our healing…….that is what I am experiencing in all of nature right now…..

God poured medicine down

another wonderful thing that is happening that I have really been begging for is for my words to come back…to be able to write as freely and fluently and soulfully as I used to be able to….that gift has been gone for a few years….and I can feel it coming back……….probably because I am working on letting go of whatever was sitting on top of it, squishing it with all of it’s weight…..lighter and lighter is helping me to write….
able to writeWhen I started to work on my book this week…again I pulled out some photos and then just let the words speak to me. So many times what comes is a yearning that is coming straight from my soul….and I am noticing that my soul is begging and begging that I can be home, that I do not have to go out again into a ‘warzone’…that I can just be here…….and by home, I mean me and Marq and our kids…..and a life…..just please let me stay in this…

I have to ask

Heaven often answers me with these words. Some of the things that I pasted down are too personal and sacred to share here…..but if you and I are ever sitting knee to knee…I will show you my whole book…. to show upAnother theme that keeps coming back, is that the woman I was in my last decade…well, she is needing to be heard. I find photos from that time…when I was holding the whole world together with a smile on my face while everything behind closed doors was falling apart…..and that girl I was…that woman….she needs to be honored for what she did. She needs to be validated for what she experienced. She needs to be congratulated for what she survived……..she needs to be allowed to talk about what it was like for her……..so, whenever a photo shows up from that time, lots of words get pasted down……..and I cry a lot…and then I feel better. I love that girl, that woman…..she was very brave.
  melody on escalator   bottom of escalator page

and then my soul speaks of what happened after…and it helps things make sense for me…..

a better life

you know…something wonderful that is happening is the mercy I feel. The mercy I feel for myself. The compassion I feel….and I feel like it is flowing down straight from heaven and from all around me….like I am so supported…and it is asking me to open my hands to it…that it is meant for me…and I am learning to really trust that, and open my hands to it….and know that it is mine to claim…..and that I am not taking it away from anyone else when I claim what is mine already….

-open up and let the good stuff in

When we are weighted down by things that do not belong to us, or with us anymore…..we can not allow the good stuff in…….I know I am getting lighter and lighter because every day more good stuff is coming into my life…and I actually have room for it….like I said, I am doing Brave Girl Art School this summer (I hope you are joining us) and I have even had time to do art with some of the littles in my life…….this is worth it…..

jackson and lydia art

and this is worth it because I have a grandson now……I am his Mimi….I want to be all the way here for him. I want to teach him how to stand in his own power and how to let go of things that are not his to carry…..I want to love him with the best love I have, not the stuff that is left over after I feed all of my fears and old stories….there will be no more feeding the fears……..everything good I have is for these precious people in my life……

mimi and leo

It is strange to be 42, almost 43 years old and learning so many things for the first time. I wish I would have understood that I am allowed to decide what I carry and what I do not….I am allowed to forgive and forgive and forgive and that does not make me weak…I am allowed to take care of myself…I am allowed to cry and cry and cry about things that others might not understand…I am allowed to be awesome and be happy and have HUUUUGE big dreams. I am allowed to do this as many times as I want to for the rest of my life……and the big dreams part has only just begun….- love is meant for you too   -just do the next thing

Finally……..me and Marq…Marq and me. I can not type that without tears falling. This is the part that is the most sacred and the most private, it is the part that still has the most unresolved pain. I will share what I can but this part of my book is really just for me…and maybe someday for him. I am still grieving over his loss of memory of things that I wanted for us to be able to heal from together. I am still angry that he doesn’t even know what a warrior I was and how strong and young and beautiful and amazing I was while I was fighting those battles…I am angry that now that he is back….I am middle aged, tired and wounded. I wanted him to at least have that picture of me as a brave beautiful warrior woman from 10 years ago…..and I am grieving those years we lost. I am angry……and I am letting myself be angry….because that is what it takes to heal. And…….even though we can’t do it together like I thought we would be able to….we can do things in a different way. He told me that he will help me in any way he can…..

……and I told him I’m sorry I’m so beat up right now………….

toe to toe

Finally…something that is going in my book is the lyrics from a song that I used to have on repeat when Marq was gone…..I decided I would wait as long as it took for him to come back. I decided that even if it was in a life after this one…….in heaven……..I decided I would wait. And I did. And he waits patiently for me too. And I am waiting to come back into myself more and more each day…….he was worth waiting for and I am worth waiting for too. I might get my old health back…my old body back…my old energy back……I might not. But I will wait for myself whatever it is. Marq will wait for me………just like I waited for him. I will wait for God to do what He is doing……. I will wait. You are worth waiting for too, you know…………I hope you will tell yourself that you will wait for YOU.

-I will wait for you

 

Here’s the song….it’s worth a listen, too…..

Till Kingdom Come by Coldplay

One, two

Steal my heart and hold my tongue

I feel my time, my time has come

Let me in, unlock the door

I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummer begins to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my hand inside your hands

I need someone who understands

I need someone, someone who hears

For you I’ve waited all these years

For you, I’d wait ’till kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say, you’ll come and set me free

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood

In your fire and in your flood

I hear you laugh, I heard you sing

I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummers begin to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait ’till kingdom come

Until my days, my days are done

Say, you’ll come and set me free

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

me n marq on grass BW

lighter and lighter and lighter….and lighter.

xoxo-melody

-this might take a while