The Bittersweetness of Growing Something Sacred

Going after your dreams has some kind of deep and beautiful pain that I still can’t describe. When you are in the thick of it all, there is a pain that is so real in physical AND emotional feeling…that I just wish there was ONE word to describe it so that when we are trying to tell people how we are feeling about it when they can see that something big on our smack-in-the-middle-of-building-our-dreams-mind…..we could just say that one word that would embody all of the fear, excitement, bliss, feeling of purpose…loneliness, exhaustion, confusion, shame, guilt, then the shame about feeling ashamed and feeling guilty, AND the deep love for our dream, the deep sense of protection we feel for our dreams….AND biggest of all the way we just have just had to let go of control….and surrender…and how when we finally decided to jump with both feet in, and now we feel like we just got pushed out of an airplane at 30,000 feet and then we each have no idea what is going to catch us….but we know that the plane arrived at the exact place that we were each supposed to jump… we did….because the faith that we would be caught really was bigger than the fear that we wouldn’t. Then…..we are alone in the so-loud-windy-silence…we are breathless…and afraid out of our minds and thrilled out of our minds….and so dang proud of ourselves that we finally just jumped….but then…still…so very very scared….

is there a word for that?

Early last Autumn, one of my dearest friends and mentors, Patrice, told me…..after she made me actually WRITE my dreams down and sketch them out with a pencil, and own them…..(which I did in great fear and through a great many tears)….she told me that it was TIME for me to shut every other single thing out, every distraction, everything that could potentially take energy and focus and nurturing away from my big dreams…and just go on bed rest with them for a few months. BED REST. This is a figurative kind of bed rest. Obviously, I was getting ready to work harder than I have ever worked in my life…..wouldn’t be spending much time in bed………..but that if I were going to grow the beautiful little spark of ideas and ABSOLUTELY meant to be dreams that were burning in my heart…..I had to treat them like a little baby in my womb that needed every single bit of me to be able to grow and be healthy. I had to go on bed rest with my dreams.

So I did.
For months. And months.
I sat in my bedroom, alone, and wrote the curriculum for Soul Restoration.
It was one of the best & hardest & most LONELY things I have ever done.
I don’t know that it could have been done any other way, however.
It was so worth it.

My little sister has been on REAL bed rest for months with twins who she has so carefully taken care of……..sacrificed so much for so that they can be born healthy and big enough into this world. It is startling as we talk to each other how much our feelings are the same. The sacrifices…missing the parties and social gatherings….letting everything around you go that is not necessary…..the loneliness….the guilty feelings about how much focus you are putting on it….the way some others don’t really understand…how you have to dig deep every day and remind yourself that this is SO WORTH IT, and that this is SO TEMPORARY and that it is worth this concentrated little window of exhausting and emotional time…smashing it all in with so much focus and love and 100% dedication…for something VERY SACRED to be born.

I guess I just want to encourage you to do the same….and if you are in the midst of the above described feelings….read on to the next post. I am going to really delve into what it means to sit patiently with that growing baby idea….and then nurturing it too once it is born…….which is where I am now….and all of the sacrifices that you have to make….and how it’s ok to feel yucky and sad and lonely about it sometimes as you watch the rest of the world going on without you (and the way you make up in your head that everyone is at parties and having fun and enjoying every second of their super fun and easy life while you have been working your bootie off)…….and actually I am finding that there needs to be a busted wide open heart word for that feeling too. It is so real.

Be brave enough to feel all of it. And please please please stand up and CHEER for the women in your life who are in the middle of doing this. They need your kindness…they need your encouragement. WE ALL NEED TO SEE EACH OTHER CHEERING EACH OTHER ON instead of trying to hold each other back….there is enough goodness, enough blessings, enough chances to birth big dreams for all of us. We need to be mid-wives to each other’s dreams being born.

Please remember that your dreams deserve your attention, beauties. They are worth the sacrifice. Your dreams are precious and sacred. There are unlike ANYTHING that has ever been born, EVER. They are SUCH a contribution to the world. There would be not a single book, song, painting, pair of beautiful artsy boots, favorite piece of jewelry, delicious meal or lovely garden had every creative soul who made each of those masterpieces not stopped and nurtured it along. We need you, we need your dreams.

Going on bed rest to grow something sacred is SO BRAVE. And sometimes, it is THE ONLY WAY….and it is ok. It is good. You will make it. It will be worth it.