I woke up with a headache. It is January 2nd. I have to do some yucky, very painful stuff I don’t want to do today….at all. I am procrastinating. I just ate a 2 inch slice of cookie dough from the roll of cookie dough in the fridge that we didn’t use at Christmas time that we ran to the store to get so that we could have some kind of home baked goodies around here. It is pretty much the only food in the house right now. I stopped eating sugar and junk a long time ago and I have been doing a really good job. Today I ate cookie dough for breakfast. This year I think I already stink at beginnings. I don’t want to begin yet. I am procrastinating like a pro. I am sitting here in my bathrobe on the couch trying to motivate myself to go get dressed for what I have to do today.

But I’m going to show up where I need to do be today…and I’m going to do what I don’t want to do.

Right now I don’t know how to begin knowing who to be or what to be or what I want to work on next. Yesterday I didn’t care so much. I was just happy and made art and did what I do. I got up and I got dressed to look just like me and I went out and made art.

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I loved the whole day til late last night until I started thinking about what I have to do today.

Today I just feel raw and like I should really have a plan for this year that is amazing and earth shattering and incredible and compelling. I have always been so good at making big things happen. I got in the shower way after midnight last night and went to bed with wet hair….so my hair dried in the exact hairdo that reflects how I feel inside right now. Up in the air.

Last night I kissed my husband goodnight at 12:30 and he said he’s so happy that I made art all day…he’s so happy that I am happy. But I still don’t know who to be or what to be or what I want to work on next that is incredible and compelling and earth shattering.

I don’t want to do what I have to do today and I started dreading it yesterday so much that I went out to the art barn all by myself yesterday morning and I stayed out there and made art til almost midnight…even though it was so cold and I had to go outside to the woodpile every half hour to put more wood in the wood stove so it stayed warm enough to paint. I came inside when I was hungry and the only thing there was to eat was a big tub of cheese puffs from the teenage boy new year’s eve party the night before. I ate those for lunch. At about noon I decided I wanted paint a bird….to collage a bird. I started making patterned papers with the stamps I carved last month while I sat on the couch for days and cried. I never got around to that bird. I made lots of backgrounds for future paintings. That’s the best I could do yesterday to begin something. It was January 1 after all.

Then one of the backgrounds dried and I drew a face on it with charcoal.

Then I started collaging a blue hat on her……and one of the skinny scraps of blue paper fell on her face and looked like a big long tear streaming down her face….so I trimmed it a little….rounded it out….

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and 4 hours later…..she was this……

and I added 3 birds because I know we are never alone…even when we can’t see and hear and feel all of the love and support and truth that is all around us…it is still there.

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Life has been too full of too many things that I don’t want to do.

And way too many things happened that I didn’t want to happen.

And so many things didn’t happen that I sooooo desperately wanted to happen.

I almost turned in my brave girl card this year. I almost resigned. I didn’t feel very brave by the end of the year. I felt beat up. This year kinda broke me, it kicked me in the teeth and in the gut and then when I fell….it seems like it kept kicking. And I just wanted to hold my new grandson and eat chocolate and listen to spanish guitar music and look at pretty things on Pinterest…so I did.

Life has been too full of too many things that I don’t want to do.

And way too many things happened that I didn’t want to happen.

And so many things didn’t happen that I sooooo desperately wanted to happen.

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I don’t want my dad to be gone. It’s not even that I miss him all day long…it’s just that I don’t want him to NOT be 1 mile up the road to the left and then turn left and go 5 miles and turn right and it’s the first house on the left. I don’t want that option gone. I didn’t want him to die and I don’t want him to be gone.

I don’t want to go pick out his gravestone today. I just don’t.

I wanted last year to turn out so differently than it did. I didn’t want to find out that my husband has no memory of all of the things we need to heal from concerning his brain injury….I don’t want to be the only one holding 10 years of horrible and devastating memories. I just don’t.

I don’t want to be in this body that is still recovering from adrenal exhaustion and chronic hives and grief. I want to be in the body that I had 10 years ago. I don’t want to be 35 pounds overweight. I don’t want to have wrinkles. I didn’t want to age so much this year. I just didn’t.

It’s going to take so much time and so much work to get my body to the place I want it to be. I don’t want to do what it’s going to take to get back into shape.  I just don’t.

I am going to show up though. I don’t think anyone there starts out really wanting to do the things that have to be done to be able to begin. Beginning is hard. It just is. Beginning every day, again and again and again is even harder. Staying with the daily beginnings…..showing up to start again every day……..that is hard work.

But it’s where all of the good stuff is.

I hope today you will do something that you don’t want to do that has to be done….that you will begin but just getting up and being who you are…..

I am going to show up today and do something that I don’t want to do and I know for sure that when it is done….I will be so thankful and so glad that I did it. I would have so many regrets if I didn’t show up for it. My sisters are going too and I don’t think they really want to do it either…..and I know for sure that my mom doesn’t. But we are all going to show up.

Then I am going to go to the gym and I will know that there are a whole bunch of others in there who really didn’t want to show up. They just didn’t. They didn’t really want to begin. It’s too hard to begin sometimes. But we all gotta think about the reason we begin…it is so that we can get to  what’s on the other side of the beginning….getting there…and sometimes it’s just got to be enough that we are not where we used to be, even if we didn’t where we would end up when we began.

I’m going to keep showing up to my beautiful life and my beautiful marriage as it is TODAY and my beautiful self as she is today. I am going to keep showing up….even when I don’t want to.

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Will you be brave with me today? I’m going to get out of my bathrobe, I’m going to go make myself a green drink and drink a few glasses of water. I’m going to dress up and go look at gravestones that will have my parent’s names engraved in them. I’m going to show up for that….because it is important. I am going to do something that I really and truly and absolutely don’t want to do…..and that is how I will begin today.

For today….just begin.

xoxo

melody